- Grandpa: Eddie, how bout you go to find Marilyn, and then the three of us will have a checker tournament!
- Eddie Munster: Oh, Marilyn went out with her new boyfriend, and I have to go play with one of the neighbor kids.
- Grandpa: Which one?
- Eddie Munster: I don't know, I haven't caught him yet!
- Marilyn Munster: My, you're in a good mood this morning.
- Grandpa: Marilyn, what would you say if I told you I was going to cast my line into the sea of matrimony and catch a new grandmother for you?
- Malcolm: [looking at Grandpa's picture] You know darling, this one keeps reminding me of Poochie Downing. Hm hm hm. Wouldn't you say this fellow looks a lot like Poochie?
- Lydia Gardner: You mean the way he looked when I pushed him - I mean when he fell off his yacht on our honeymoon cruise?
- Malcolm: Eh no, no, more the way he looked a week later when they fished him out of the water.
- The First Policeman: [referring to Mrs. Gardner] I hate to tell you this, miss. But, she thinks that you've got a monster in that house.
- Marilyn Munster: A monster? Oh, that's ridiculous. There's nobody in here but my family.
- The First Policeman: That's what we figured. She's just trying to build up an insanity plea to make it easier for herself.
- Lydia Gardner: Uh, do any other members of your family live with you?
- Lily Munster: No, they're all dead.
- Lydia Gardner: I see. Passed away?
- Lily Munster: [smiling] No, they haven't gone anywhere. They're just dead.
- Marilyn Munster: I can't quite put my finger on it, but somehow that woman seems strange.
- Lily Munster: Doesn't everybody? You'll learn to live with it dear, I have.
- Lily Munster: [Lily wakes up Herman in the middle of the night] Herman?
- Herman Munster: What?
- Lily Munster: Listen...
- Herman Munster: I don't hear anything.
- Lily Munster: That's it! The shutters have stopped squeaking.
- Herman Munster: Lily. You're always not hearing things. Go to sleep.
- Grandpa: When is anyone gonna pay attention to a poor old man?
- Raven in the cuckoo clock: [squawks] Nevermore! Nevermore!
- Grandpa: The policemen say that... that Lydia was trying to kill me?
- Marilyn Munster: I'm sorry, Grandpa, but she was the notorious Black Widow
- Herman Munster: You see? I told ya, you can't be too careful. When you think of some of the people running around loose in the world today... it's frightening!