- Kevin Owens: Look, Mr. Belvedere, you gotta start doing things the way you're told to at Mr. Cluck's, not the way you want to.
- Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere: I don't even know what you're talking about.
- Kevin Owens: You don't ask people how they want their chicken. We only serve it one way.
- Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere: I thought my Chick Marsalla was rather well received.
- Kevin Owens: It took you forty-five minutes to make it.
- Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere: So? Good food takes time.
- Kevin Owens: It's not supposed to be good, it's supposed to be fast!
- Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere: Is that why you serve it in a bucket?
- Mrs. Bigelow: [introducing George to the stage at the Good Citizenship Awards] Here he is, Pittsburgh's favorite sports columnist, until he got fired, George Owens.
- Man: Did you get the mattress and box spring I left on your lawn?
- George Owens: Yeah, we did. Thanks.
- Man: You using it?
- George Owens: No.
- Man: Why not?
- George Owens: Well, for one thing, it smells like someone's been raising goats on it.
- George Owens: [to the unruly crowd at the Good Citizenship Awards] I'm proud I'm George Owens, unemployed sports writer, and I'll tell you why. Because I got a great family. A family who sticks together through thick and thin. I mean my oldest kid and butler are out slinging chickens. My wife is taking in typing. And my youngest kid, he brings home money too. We're just afraid to ask him where he's getting it.