- Jenny Manderville: [to Randy] So am I in trouble?
- Lt. Randall Disher: No, not this time, miss. But listen, if you feeling like finding someone to confess to, you should call a priest.
- [to an officer]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Would you escort Miss Mandeville out?
- [Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer come out of the Captain's office. Disher turns to them and whistles a cuckoo whistle]
- Adrian Monk: Who is she?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Looney Tune of the Month. Her name's uh, Jennie Mandeville. She keeps on coming in here and confessing to stuff.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What was it this time?
- [since yesterday, Jennie came in and confessed to stealing a pen from a bank]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Well, she comes in, same as yesterday, and says she accidentally killed her roommate. So I take her into the back room and I turn on the tape recorder. Turns out her roommate was a hamster.
- Adrian Monk: [chuckles] She didn't look unstable.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They never do.
- Dr. Charles Kroger: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
- Adrian Monk: Well, I guess I'd hire you full time, and keep you on retainer 24/7. Maybe I'd buy you a house right next to mine so that I could just drop in, anytime.
- [Chuckles]
- Adrian Monk: This is fun. What would you do with a million dollars?
- Dr. Charles Kroger: [Cautiously] Buy an island... a desert island... in the middle of nowhere.
- Adrian Monk: So we would do our sessions over the phone?
- Dr. Charles Kroger: Heh, you see this island, in my mind... no phone service.
- Adrian Monk: I guess I'd have to buy a boat.
- Dr. Charles Kroger: You see, that's funny because you see this island, in my fantasy... no dock.
- Adrian Monk: Well, may the best man win.
- Inspector St. Clare: [to Rufus, who has just arrived at the museum] Excuse me! Any suspects, yet?
- Rufus: I wouldn't know. I'm just delivering flowers.
- Inspector St. Clare: No you're not. You're a private detective, like me.
- Rufus: [scoffs] *Me*, a detective? That's uh, very funny by the way. I can't wait to tell the guys...
- Inspector St. Clare: Look, you're selling it to me!
- [points to the van]
- Inspector St. Clare: That sattelite dish on your roof, the number on the side - "555" - obviously a fake. Now conclusion number 1, you're after the Alexander Diamond. Conclusion number 2, you haven't got a prayer.
- [Dirk, the motorcycle rider, wheels in and parks his motorcycle in a handicap space]
- Rufus: Excuse me! That's a handicap spot!
- Dirk: It's okay. I'm psychotic. Is this where they stole the rock?
- Inspector St. Clare: You judging me?
- Dirk: Not anymore.
- [Rufus uses a pass to get into the security office. He thumbs through a drawer of identification cards]
- Inspector St. Clare: [opens the door and walks into the room] Ah, apparently we think alike! Awful thought coming from those who aren't us.
- [picks up identification card]
- Inspector St. Clare: Ah, "Phillip Wick, Access to All Areas."
- Dirk: [walks in] Hello again.
- [picks up an identification card, and says to Rufus]
- Dirk: What does this say?
- Rufus: Curator Sally Cant. Here, try this one.
- [Hands Dirk another card]
- Rufus: Robert Gant. That's a boy's name.
- [Gladys, while cleaning, finds a note saying "Gladys, don't forget to clean *under* the table. "Under" in the Post-It note is underlined, emphasizing its importance. In Stottlemeyer's office, meanwhile...]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Here's the coroner's report. Victim's name: Danny Chasen, it's probably an alias. The victim was poisoned. Somebody spiked his all-natural barley tea with ammonia.
- Adrian Monk: Was he part of the heist?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Looks like it. They found some hair samples in that rolltop desk at the museum that matched the body.
- Natalie Teeger: Where's the diamond?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Still missing in action. Wasn't on him or in the cabin.
- Adrian Monk: We know he had a partner, somebody who works at the museum. It's probably still with him.
- Natalie Teeger: So the reward is still good? I mean, nobody's claimed it?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, as far as I know. The reward is still good.
- Natalie Teeger: [holds up file] Ka-ching!
- Adrian Monk: [to Stottlemeyer] Could you make her stop saying that?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: This is no longer a parlor game. A man is dead. This is a homicide investigation, which means *nobody* is to withold *any* information from *anybody*.
- Natalie Teeger: [noticing that Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking at her with accusing looks] What? Are you looking at me?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes I am, Ms. Teeger.
- Gladys Menchen: [walks into the room to confront Monk about his Post-It notes] Did you write these? Don't deny it, I know it was you!
- [reads the notes]
- Gladys Menchen: "How are things down under?" Hint! Hint! "Monk was right. You should clean under the tables." You don't fool me for a second. It goes without saying, "Don't forget to throw away these little Post-Its, too."
- Adrian Monk: [to Stottlemeyer] Captain, she doesn't clean under the tables.
- Gladys Menchen: You are not the boss of me!
- Landis: [while being questioned about the robbery] I want to help you guys. I really do, but they've questioned me three times.
- Lt. Randall Disher: It's not just you, Mr. Landis. We're talking to all the guards, cleaning staff, curators, and anybody who was at the museum.
- Landis: Yeah, but I haven't been home yet!
- Lt. Randall Disher: And I appreciate that. We just need your official statement, and you're free to go. So for the record, where were you during the robbery?
- Landis: OK, for the tenth time, I was at my station on the main floor. I *never* left.
- Lt. Randall Disher: And you didn't hear anything unusual?
- Landis: No, sir. I was three floors away.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Okay.
- [noticing Monk and Natalie]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Excuse me for a second. Can I get you something to drink?
- [Randy walks over to the cooler where Monk and Natalie are standing]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Monk, Nat.
- Adrian Monk: What's going on?
- Lt. Randall Disher: What? You haven't heard? Robbery at the MacMillan Museum. It was big, big! The Alexander Diamond.
- Natalie Teeger: Whoa!
- Lt. Randall Disher: I know whoa! Robbery division asked us to help out, so we're taking statements from everybody on sight.
- Adrian Monk: So you're not arresting him about the drugs?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, no, what drugs?
- Adrian Monk: His fingertips are stained. It looks like red phosphorus. You get that from making crystal meth. He's got to have a lab somewhere.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, I'll look into it.
- [to Landis]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Excuse me, Mr. Landis.
- [to Monk and Natalie]
- Lt. Randall Disher: If the Captain needs me, I'll be in Interrogation Room B.
- [Landis departs with Randy to be interrogated. Monk turns to Natalie, who is dismayed to find that Monk didn't ask for money]
- Adrian Monk: What?
- Natalie Teeger: You know what? You just solved that case for *free*!
- Lt. Randall Disher: What was I supposed to do? Say, "Lieutenant, there's a drug dealer in the room. I'll tell you who it is for $20."
- Natalie Teeger: At least we'd have $20!
- Adrian Monk: [9:24] I think you should talk to her.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I will. About her aim.