The Mighty Boosh (TV Series)

The Priest & the Beast (2005)

Julian Barratt: Howard Moon, Rudy Van Disarzio

Photos 

Quotes 

• Rudy Van Disarzio : Put away those fiery biscuits!

• Howard Moon : What the hell are you wearing?

  Vince Noir : [wearing a glitter jumpsuit]  This... is the mirror ball suit.

  Howard Moon : [sighs]  I've been up for four days trying to find our new musical direction, yeah? You're in this band as well! What have you been doing?

  Vince Noir : I do the costumes, you do the music. That's the agreement. And this, my friend, represents a major breakthrough on the sewing machine.

  Howard Moon : I'm not wearing that on stage.

  Vince Noir : I knew you'd say that. That's why I've made you...

  [pulls out brown jumpsuit] 

  Vince Noir : the tweed version! I call it the library suit. See this pocket? That's for your library card. See this pouch? Loose change, in case you've got any fines!

  Howard Moon : ...That's pretty good, actually.

• Spider Dijon : Your wife told me everything. She told me of your affair.

  Rudy Van Disarzio : I was a good husband!

  Spider Dijon : Then why did she come home from work one day, huh, to find you with your guitar?

  Rudy Van Disarzio : [flustered]  That was a misunderstanding. I was... naked, it was dark, I was changing a string, I became entangled!

  Spider Dijon : You expect me to believe this?

  Rudy Van Disarzio : Is it so wrong for a man to love a guitar?

  Spider Dijon : Yes it is if he PUTS HIS BALLS INSIDE IT AND STRUMS HIMSELF TO ECSTASY!

• Rudy Van Disarzio : Better a Priest than a Beast...

• Rudy Van Disarzio : I have had enough of this talk now. I need to meditate, go away and digest what we have spoken about, come to an understanding of why I was right and you are wrong, and then I type it up and give it back to you in note form.

• Spider Dijon : You keep trying to mold me into something I'm not! Well, you cannot make milk into cheese!

  Rudy Van Disarzio : Yes, you can.

  Spider Dijon : Bad example!

• Spider Dijon : This is all like Woodstock all over again. The idea is you play, and then you scram; but oh, no, you wouldn't listen, would you? You wanted to hang around, didn't you? And then we got loped into tidying up! You, me and Carlos Santana; hoovering for six weeks!

  Rudy Van Disarzio : Somebody had to clean up that mess.

  Spider Dijon : We should have just split like The Who. They were off in a shot. I didn't see Roger Daltrey in no flipping apron.

  Rudy Van Disarzio : They are selfish men. What goes around, comes around.

  Spider Dijon : What do you mean by this?

  Rudy Van Disarzio : Well, maybe one day, Daltrey will do the hoovering.

  Spider Dijon : You're absurd. Daltrey doesn't hoover for no one. He is his own man!

• [Howard and Vince have a meeting with a record executive] 

  Vince Noir : You better start getting the magic potions out, Mowgli, or we're gonna hurt you.

  Naboo : All right, calm down.

  [he hands them each a glass of yellow liquid] 

  Naboo : This is Liquid Music. It'll turn you into musical geniuses.

  Howard Moon : What is this?

  Naboo : It's the tears of Mozart...

  [they both drink it down] 

  Naboo : ...mixed with the urine of Mark Knopfler.

  [Howard and Vince make a face] 

  Howard Moon : How long does it last?

  Naboo : Three hours. Quick, run! Play like you've never played before!

  [they leave fast] 

  Bollo : You are truly wise, Naboo. Do you think with magic potion they will get record deal?

  Naboo : I doubt it - that was just Lucozade.

• Rudy Van Disarzio : How many times do I have to tell you? It's not a dress! It's a Sacred Robe!

• Howard Moon : I've had a breakthrough. I think I found a new note in between B and C. I always knew it was there. I'm gonna call it Howard's Note.

  Vince Noir : Wow.

  Howard Moon : I'll tell you how it works, right? I took a note, sawtooth wave, right off this pantomime four, ran it back here, re-jammed it through itself, looped it back, mixed it with the sound of this crab committing suicide, and let it stew in its own reverb for about three hours, right? And then I pump it all out through this shoe, to give it that oaky timbre.

  Vince Noir : Cool! Let's hear it, then.

• Vince Noir : [singing]  Cyborg Patrick, tell me what you dream / Clockwork Margaret, skating on my mouse mat / In your tiny circuit boots, shoes of the future!

  Howard Moon : Trousers of the past!

• Spider Dijon : Your wife was not just free with me. She was free with everyone.

  Rudy Van Disarzio : My wife was like all women: strange... and evil!

• Rudy Van Disarzio : [to his guitar]  It's all right, Miranda. We are alone now.

• Spider Dijon : [out in the desert]  Eh, this place is bullshit. Where are the bars and the women?

  Rudy Van Disarzio : This is a place free of those distractions. Here it is written that a musician may find... The New Sound.

  Spider Dijon : What's it look like, this New Sound?

  Rudy Van Disarzio : It doesn't look like anything. It is a sound.