- Leslie Baum: I'm Leslie Baum, private investigator. I represent the New Market Mall in your frivolous $4 million lawsuit.
- Al Bundy: Charmed.
- Leslie Baum: Look Bundy, I'll tell you straight out. I think you're a fraud.
- Al Bundy: Oh yeah, well with a name like Leslie, I think you're a sissy.
- Al Bundy: Well, we're gonna have to go with our alternate, Bud.
- Bob Rooney: But he stinks!
- Al Bundy: He's my son! Don't you think I know he stinks?
- Marcy D'Arcy: [examining the 1st place ribbon] Best of Breed?
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Well, Timmy's Veterinary Clinic donated 'em.
- Bob Rooney: Last year's winners got shots.
- Griff: Last year's losers got neutered.
- Peggy Bundy: I thought you guys were last year's losers.
- [Bob Rooney, Griff, and Al hang their heads in shame]
- [first lines]
- announcer on TV: Live from the Cayman Islands! The Home Swopping Network! Where you can swop that old crap you bought from some other shopping network for some *entirely new crap from us!*
- Peggy Bundy: And they say there's nothing good on TV.
- Marcy D'Arcy: [enters] Hi, guys. You wanna catch a Woody Allen movie with me?
- Kelly Bundy: Mm. Oh, no. Woody Allen's never really done it for me. But... then again, I'm not his stepdaughter, so...
- [whooping laughter from all]
- Leslie Baum: Look, Mrs. Bundy, I can spot a liar a mile away, and I'll prove it. For instance, take your son there.
- [Bud's got his nose in a book held in his hands]
- Leslie Baum: Looks like he's reading, but if you'll notice, his eyes aren't moving. That usually denotes that he's looking at a picture. From the little beads of sweat on his forehead, I think it folds out. He should be heading upstairs any time now.
- [Bud peers at the world around him, then sneaks up the stairs with the 'book']