- Ben: Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
- Mel: [not making eye contact] Hi Ben.
- Patty: [not making eye contact] Hi, Naomi.
- [Ben waves the arm of the large, rubber, blow-up doll he is carrying]
- Ben: Can she and I go to the movies tonight?
- Mel: Son, don't you think it's time you got a real girlfriend?
- Ben: [giving them an embarrassed look] Dad... I do have a real girlfriend. It's just that this one puts out.
- [the Bundys watch Al's character of 'Mel' on the series "Peas in a Pod"]
- [repeated line]
- Mel: Boy, does my life suck!
- Patty: Hi, Mel. I'm home.
- [Mel shrugs with indifference]
- Patty: Look what I bought today from the shop-at-home network. A whole weeks worth of bon-bons!
- [Patty wheels in a huge barrel of Bon-Bon's printed on it]
- Mel: Where are we supposed to put them?
- Patty: Well, I'm supposed to keep them cold and frozen. So, how about your side of the bed?
- Marla: Mel Peas, did you back your Nash Rambler into our trash cans again?
- Mel: [sarcastic] Oh hi, Marla. Oh, I'm sorry where those trash cans? I thought the feed store dropped off another load of pigeon chow for you.
- Marla: I am not a pigeon!
- [she mimic's Marcy's 'chicken' pose while her husband, Washington, stading behind her snickers mimicking Jefferson's pose]
- Marla: [to Washington] Washington, are you gonna let that lowlife talk to me like that? Hit him!
- Washington: What, and break a nail?
- Kelly Bundy: When did television get so weird? Nobody eats breakfast at the table anymore. And cereal? Come on. When I was growing up, we were lucky if we got toaster leave-in's.
- Ronald N. Michaels: Toaster leavings?
- Kelly Bundy: Leave-in's. The 'q' is silent.
- [after Kelly has done her audition badly for the sitcom producers]
- Kelly Bundy: I can do the scene a couple different ways.
- Lou: Can any of them be funny?
- Ronald N. Michaels: Take notes.
- Lou: Come on, Ron. I'm a pro. I'm not taking notes from some kid.
- Ronald N. Michaels: Would you rather go back to working on 'Full House'?
- [first lines]
- Al: Welcome, family, to the first annual Bundy financial crisis summit meeting.
- [has zero audience]
- Peggy Bundy: [on phone] Ah, hello, Shop At Home Network? Yes, I'd like to order your Brazilian amethyst dinner ring. And, uh, can I get a dinner to go with that?
- Al: While I have your attention, let's go over some of last month's bills! I'm sure we'll find a little *fat* here in our budget.
- [picks up bill from huge carton box]
- Al: Renewal notice for... Big 'Uns.
- [Peggy looks at him amused, and he quickly hides it]
- Al: Now let's start over here. Ah-hah! The Larry Storch School of Acting.
- Peggy Bundy: Al... becoming an actress is very important to Kelly. And you will *not* break her heart by telling her she can't do it.
- Al: All right, Peg, in that case, you get a job to help pay for it.
- Peggy Bundy: Poor Kelly.
- Al: By the way, Peg, you can do your part by cutting down this shopping network too.
- Peggy Bundy: I don't shop that much.
- Kelly Bundy: [enters] Hey, Mom, the stuff you ordered is here.
- [a truckload of boxes outside, a huge truckload]
- Peggy Bundy: Oh, goody! Ah...
- [off to go have a look]
- Kelly Bundy: Hey, Daddy, guess what happened? I am up for a role in a sitcom. It's called Peas in a Pod, and it's about this family named the Peases. And they live in this house and their lives and what goes on in their house and their lives.
- Al: [smiles] Fox?
- Kelly Bundy: Yeah! How did you know?
- Peggy Bundy: [behind them] Oh, joy! My Boxcar Willie tapes are here! And my tiara!
- [chuckles]
- Peggy Bundy: I tell ya, it is just like Christmas, except with presents.
- [chuckles some more]
- Bud Bundy: [curious] What have you got...
- Peggy Bundy: Mommy's stuff. Get outa here!
- Kelly Bundy: [to Al] Anyway, I'm up for the role of the daughter. How's this for cosmic irony? In real life, I actually am one! What are the odds?
- [chuckles]
- Al: Indeed. But, pumpkin...
- Kelly Bundy: Daddy, I have to get this part. I am perfect for it. Look!
- [shows Al the script]
- Kelly Bundy: Blonde.
- [chuckles]
- Kelly Bundy: Perky. Lit...
- [can't pronounce word, shows Bud the script]
- Bud Bundy: Literate.
- Kelly Bundy: [real chuffed with herself] And that's the skills I learned at Larry Storch's. And I'm a shoo-in. Hey, Bud, try-out for this is tomorrow. Come help me rehearse my lines.
- [jumps up from couch]
- Bud Bundy: What's in it for me?
- Kelly Bundy: I'll let you touch a picture of my friend Cindy.
- Bud Bundy: Where?
- [Kelly whispers in his ear]
- Bud Bundy: Ohh!
- [follows eagerly]
- Al: Well, let's see, I have an unemployed actress for a daughter... A son who'd have sex with a fire hydrant...
- Peggy Bundy: Oh, happy day! My TV Guide cover collector plates are here!
- Al: [gesturing at Peg] That! Gee, I wonder where the next bolt of lightning will strike?
- Buck: [family dog] I guess this isn't a good time to tell him I haven't been comfortable with my sexuality lately.