- Major Franklin Marion Burns: You guys have got no sense of humor. All you know how to do is pick, pick, pick. Is there anything I can do to please you?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Tap dance in the minefield.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: [Radar enters the swamp] What are you doing in here?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: I come to find someone smart to help me with my studies.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: Well, don't look at me!
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Radar, what is this cow-flub-dubbery?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Sir?
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: All this miracle medical mortals hooey?