M*A*S*H (TV Series)

The Incubator (1973)

Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce

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Quotes 

• Hawkeye : [exasperated at Quartermaster Sloan's denial of his request for a hospital incubator]  We're not asking for a jukebox or a pizza oven!

  Captain Sloan : Oh, I can let you have one of those.

  Henry Blake : No kidding! That would be great on movie nights! You got any of those pizza requisition forms?

  Captain Sloan : [referring to a generic Army requisition form]  Oh, just use one of those standard S-1798s and write in "pizza" where it says "machine gun."

• Gen. Mitchell : I wonder if you doctors understand going through channels, military-wise speaking.

  Trapper : Sir, we started with a captain, went on to a major, then to a colonel.

  Hawkeye : On the way, we've encountered oral compulsiveness, raging paranoia, and a colonel who's shipping Korea to Switzerland one dollar at a time.

  Trapper : Which makes you the next contestant, General.

  Hawkeye : And the subject you've chosen is "Incubators."

  Trapper : And we need one.

• Henry Blake : Captain Sloan here is with supply.

  Captain Sloan : More accurately, I'm with the 375th Q. M. H. Q., COMSEAPAC, SEOULSEC REPDEP.

  Hawkeye : Maybe I'll have that drink.

  Captain Sloan : Now, the business at hand is an incubator, that is if my lieutenant understood what your colonel said you captains want.

  Hawkeye : Right.

  Trapper : And we need one as soon as possible.

  Captain Sloan : Well, let's see what the good book says.

  Hawkeye : The good book?

  Captain Sloan : The Manual of Supply and Requisition.

  Hawkeye : MANSUPREQ.

  Captain Sloan : Um, "inhalator, indicator, innoculator, infusilator - " Here it is: 437 - stroke - R2, incubator.

  Henry Blake : Thar she blows!

  Captain Sloan : "Device for developing bacterial cultures at constant suitable temperatures." Uh-huh. I see. That certainly makes sense. You can't have one.

• Hawkeye : General, can you tell us why MASH units never get any incubators?

  Gen. Mitchell : [stammering]  Our people have this question under scrutiny at the moment. Now, if this scrutinization should yield negative, then I feel that we must maximize our efforts. Next.

  Hawkeye : Sir, I don't want to minimize your maximize, but why aren't field hospitals properly supplied with incubators? Hospitals which surprisingly attract a great number of wounded people.

  Gen. Mitchell : That question has a lot of buckshot in it.

  Hawkeye : I'm sure the answer will too.

• Hawkeye : [Mocking Colonel Blake and Captain Sloan after being told they couldn't get an incubator]  "Thank you, Colonel. Sorry, Captain. Sorry, patient. You have a temperature of 109 - stroke - 10. Afraid you can't have an incubator, but you can have a pizza with everything to go. Unless of course, you go first."

  Henry Blake : Let's stay on the ground, shall we, Pierce?

  Hawkeye : Does the book allow us any ground, Captain? Otherwise, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you all to take a step up.

  Trapper : Into limbo.

  Hawkeye : No, you can't have any limbo. In fact, you can't have anything - stroke - nothing which is not approved by STATQUOPAC. Which is enough to make you reach for AIRSICKBAG.

• Major Morris : You guys! Rich young draftee doctors all dressed up like drum majorettes.

  Hawkeye : Rich? Some of my patients pay me in kittens!

• Major Morris : Our clerk says you want an incubator. No dice.

  Hawkeye : Yeah, but you've got three.

  Major Morris : That's right. If I give one away, I'll only have two.

  Trapper : What's wrong with two?

  Major Morris : Two is not as good as three.

• Trapper : And all we want is an incubator.

  Hawkeye : For the simple purpose of practicing better and more efficient medicine. Sir, I- I appeal to your sense of what's right.

  Colonel Lambert : [turns to his Geisha, Betty Lou] 

  Betty Lou : They're full of it.

• Hawkeye : I need a doctor.

  Trapper : You're a doctor.

  Hawkeye : Then I'm the last thing I need.

• Gen. Mitchell : Who's your commanding officer?

  Hawkeye : Uh, we'd rather not say. He'd like to go through the war anonymously.

• Hawkeye : [Groggy]  Trapper?

  [Grunts] 

  Hawkeye : Trapper?

  Trapper : I'm not going to talk unless you stop screaming.

  Hawkeye : I'm sorry. I'll be better after I shave my tongue.

  [Both groan as they sit up] 

  Trapper : Does your head hurt?

  Hawkeye : From the ankles up. Everything above that I leave to science.

• Hawkeye : Radar, I had the impression that we woke you about 3:30 this morning.

  Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly : I don't know. It was ten to four.

  Trapper : Did we say why?

  Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly : Uh. You said you wanted to sacrifice a virgin.

  Hawkeye : Well, did we?

  Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly : I was too sleepy.

• Henry Blake : Holy cow! Insubordination, conduct unbecoming officers, violations of articles 13 through 27, with a repeat on 26.

  Hawkeye : Oh, that must be "altering salute by placing thumb on nose".

• Colonel Lambert : An even thousand should handle it.

  Trapper : A thousand dollars?

  Colonel Lambert : Cash.

  Hawkeye : Ah. Preparing a little doggie bag for Switzerland, Colonel?

  Colonel Lambert : That's a perfect diagnosis, doctor.

• Major Morris : You know, I think I know how we can solve this problem. Why don't you guys just salute and get the hell on out of here?

  Trapper : Who's your commanding officer?

  Major Morris : Colonel Lambert is the commanding officer of this base.

  Hawkeye : Where would we find him?

  Major Morris : Well, nowhere on the base, that's for sure.

  Hawkeye : He's got his own house?

  Major Morris : He's got two of 'em, one blonde, one brunette.

• Trapper : Guess where we're going after surgery, Henry.

  Henry Blake : Oh? Without my permission?

  Hawkeye : Don't we have it?

  Henry Blake : Of course you do. You think I'd let you leave without my permission?

• Nurse Owens : Okay. I'll ship this off to the Tokyo lab. We'll know what he has in 72 hours, then you can treat him.

  Hawkeye : Seventy-two hours? The kid's so hot now, you can fry an egg on his head.

  Trapper : Why don't we have an incubator here so we can do our own tests?

  Nurse Owens : Because it would save time and effort, and it would make sense.

  Hawkeye : Can't have any of that in the army.

• Maj. Frank Burns : You're not going to debauch all night, and then expect me to cleanse you with a tongue-lashing. I'm not your mother.

  Trapper : Aw, please, Frank.

  Hawkeye : Come on, Mom. Please.

  Maj. Frank Burns : No.

  Hawkeye : You have to. How're we gonna know what a good time we had unless you tell us how rotten we are?

• Hawkeye : We're gonna get that incubator. We're gonna go forth and part the red tape.