- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Somehow we knew you were back Colonel when we saw Charles doing a 100 yard flash across the compound.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Klinger, get me the C.O. of the 1st Marine Division.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [whistling "Whistle While You Work"] I'm afraid you need a clerk to do that, sir.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Excuse me, Grumpy - I'm afraid you're not afraid enough. You see, I *dwarf* you in rank. Aren't you a company clerk?
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: I, sir, am the personal attache' of our own commanding officer, Charles Emerson Winchester III. Or, as we in Liege like to call him, King Charles the First!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Wait a minute, yesterday when the Colonel put him in charge you wanted to volunteer for a kamikaze school.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Yesterday I was young and foolish, today I'm older and busier - now, if you'll just excuse me I have to get moving on Major Domo's personal requisition list.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [grabs clipboard] Let me see that - dozen tins of rolled anchovies... deluxe set of *silk* bed linen... the complete recorded works of "Vagner"...
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Oh, that's "Wag-ner", that must be the Major's handwriting. So you see, I need the phone - this is at least a day's worth of wheeling and stealing!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Something smells fishy here and the anchovies haven't arrived yet. How come you're suddenly his personal caterer?
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Loyalty! As company clerk it is my sworn duty to serve him who wears the mantle of command.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Your duty to serve does *not* include hors d'oeuvres!
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Ah yes, but how can one refuse a leader so kind and benevolent?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: How much is he paying you?
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Ooooh, a bundle!
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Klinger, any luck with the "Vagner" recordings?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: That's "Wag-ner", can't you read your own writing?
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: So far I've got 2 "Homer and Jethro" albums but don't worry - I'm trading up.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: You could hardly do otherwise.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Excuse me, may I have an audience with your royal hiney?
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Sure, always have time for the little people.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Then let me ask you a little question - what are you doing appropriating government property? He's our company clerk, he's not your Man Friday, or any other day!
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Silence, soldier boy! This camp's being run with the utmost of efficiency. Max, have I not seen to the daily reports?
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Yes, Sire!
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Max, have I not seen to the monthly inventories?
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Yes, Sire!
- Maj. Charles Winchester: As you can see, it's 10 o'clock and all's well - therefore, as long as he has the time and I have the money, why should I not enjoy a few of the basic necessities of life?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Silk linen?
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Pierce, you may have been swaddled in burlap but a Winchester does not rub elbows with mattress buttons.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Listen silky, there's a Dutch kid in post-op right now with a hell of a lot more to worry about than chafed elbows and I need Klinger to call his C.O.!
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Then you shall have him -
- [to Klinger]
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Max, please place the Captain's call.
- [to Pierce]
- Maj. Charles Winchester: I'm such an old softy!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Oh thank you, a million thanks your softiness!
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Always ready to do a little something for a big nothing.
- [to Klinger]
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Max, as soon as you've placed the call I'd like to see you in my chambers, there are boots to be blacked!