M*A*S*H (TV Series)
Tell It to the Marines (1981)
Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce
Photos
Quotes
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Klinger, get me the C.O. of the 1st Marine Division.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : [whistling "Whistle While You Work"] I'm afraid you need a clerk to do that, sir.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Excuse me, Grumpy - I'm afraid you're not afraid enough. You see, I *dwarf* you in rank. Aren't you a company clerk?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : I, sir, am the personal attache' of our own commanding officer, Charles Emerson Winchester III. Or, as we in Liege like to call him, King Charles the First!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Wait a minute, yesterday when the Colonel put him in charge you wanted to volunteer for a kamikaze school.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Yesterday I was young and foolish, today I'm older and busier - now, if you'll just excuse me I have to get moving on Major Domo's personal requisition list.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : [grabs clipboard] Let me see that - dozen tins of rolled anchovies... deluxe set of *silk* bed linen... the complete recorded works of "Vagner"...
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Oh, that's "Wag-ner", that must be the Major's handwriting. So you see, I need the phone - this is at least a day's worth of wheeling and stealing!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Something smells fishy here and the anchovies haven't arrived yet. How come you're suddenly his personal caterer?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Loyalty! As company clerk it is my sworn duty to serve him who wears the mantle of command.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Your duty to serve does *not* include hors d'oeuvres!
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Ah yes, but how can one refuse a leader so kind and benevolent?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : How much is he paying you?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Ooooh, a bundle!
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Maj. Charles Winchester : Klinger, any luck with the "Vagner" recordings?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : That's "Wag-ner", can't you read your own writing?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : So far I've got 2 "Homer and Jethro" albums but don't worry - I'm trading up.
Maj. Charles Winchester : You could hardly do otherwise.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Excuse me, may I have an audience with your royal hiney?
Maj. Charles Winchester : Sure, always have time for the little people.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Then let me ask you a little question - what are you doing appropriating government property? He's our company clerk, he's not your Man Friday, or any other day!
Maj. Charles Winchester : Silence, soldier boy! This camp's being run with the utmost of efficiency. Max, have I not seen to the daily reports?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Yes, Sire!
Maj. Charles Winchester : Max, have I not seen to the monthly inventories?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Yes, Sire!
Maj. Charles Winchester : As you can see, it's 10 o'clock and all's well - therefore, as long as he has the time and I have the money, why should I not enjoy a few of the basic necessities of life?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Silk linen?
Maj. Charles Winchester : Pierce, you may have been swaddled in burlap but a Winchester does not rub elbows with mattress buttons.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Listen silky, there's a Dutch kid in post-op right now with a hell of a lot more to worry about than chafed elbows and I need Klinger to call his C.O.!
Maj. Charles Winchester : Then you shall have him -
[to Klinger]
Maj. Charles Winchester : Max, please place the Captain's call.
[to Pierce]
Maj. Charles Winchester : I'm such an old softy!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Oh thank you, a million thanks your softiness!
Maj. Charles Winchester : Always ready to do a little something for a big nothing.
[to Klinger]
Maj. Charles Winchester : Max, as soon as you've placed the call I'd like to see you in my chambers, there are boots to be blacked!