- [Hawkeye comes back to The Swamp, having removed Lacy's appendix]
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: So...
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: It was pink and perfect and I tossed it in the scrap bucket. At least he won't be sending us any customers for a while.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Uh huh. Radar was just in here. In about ten minutes they're sending us a batch of wounded.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Ten minutes?
- P.A. Announcer: Attention. Attention. All Personnel.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Time flies.
- P.A. Announcer: Sorry folks, triage in the compound. Looks kinda heavy.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: You treated a symptom, the disease goes merrily on.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: What the hell do you think you're doing?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I'm taking out that guy's appendix in there. You gonna get into your whites or what?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: You're talking about removing a healthy organ.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: No, I figure his appendix is about as sick as his mind.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Doctors aren't supposed to take bodies apart. They're supposed to put them together.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Why? So guys like that can take them apart again? You heard him. He's gonna take those kids up that hill tomorrow and send them back to us in pieces.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: That man is crazy. That doesn't make this right. Some things are wrong, and they're always wrong.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Fine. It's wrong. But there are gonna be a hundred boys still alive tomorrow. Go tell them how wrong it is.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: [treating a patient who's coding] No pulse.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Get out of the way. I'm gonna beat the daylights into him.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [imitating Walter Winchell] Good evening, Mr. And Mrs. Ship and all the Americans at sea. Flash--Korea. The U.S. Army has just declared sleep off limits to all surgeons. As a result, heads will be worn lighter this winter. And now stay tuned for Burns and Allen over most of this same mouth.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Say good night, Gracie.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: What kind of day did I have at the office, Radar?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Uh, sir, while you were in the O.R., you took care of the strength report, completed the DD-5, uh, series A through C, and you ordered a new autoclave.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: It's amazing how much I can get done without even showing up. Thank you, son.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Oh, uh, yes, sir. There's one other thing. When you were reachin' for the phone, you knocked over your wife's picture, and you broke the glass.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: It's okay. I'm sure I didn't mean to.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: You know something, Colonel? You're a heck of a guy. You have to admire a man who won't take no for an order.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Where are the green vegetables?
- Pvt. Igor Straminsky: The cook had some spinach, but the rats got to it. They left a little if you want some.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Corporal-- uh, Private, you have ruined my appetite. And I am grateful.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Damn it! Why don't you just stab him? Cutting into a healthy body is mutilation!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [chuckles] Don't give me that. There aren't doctors back home who do unnecessary operations? You never heard of that? And for what? For a few bucks.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: All right. Suppose you get him relieved of his command. What about the guy they send to replace him?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: He's gonna better than this guy. He's gotta be.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: You don't know that for sure, do you?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: So I'll take them one at a time! What have I got to lose?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Just your self-respect, that's all! You're a doctor of medicine. You cut into a healthy body, and you're gonna hate yourself for the rest of your life.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I hate myself right now! I hate me, and I hate you, and I hate this whole life here. And if I can keep that maniac off the line by a simple appendectomy, I'll be able to hate myself with a clear conscience.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: [dictating a letter] "Therefore, I firmly believe that Lieutenant Colonel Lacy's record should be reviewed with the possibility of reassigning him to a noncombat position." You got all that, Radar?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Uh, all the words, sir. Later I'll put 'em in the right order.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Be sure you do.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Send in the boogie-woogie bugle beak.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: [to Klinger] He wants to talk to you.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Klinger enters, holding a dead chicken] Foo-raka-saki.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Same to you.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Now, listen, Klinger. I've had enough of this.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Chuck-a, chuck-a, floy-doy.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: So help me, you give one more doy-floy...
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Floy-doy.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Do you hear me?
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: I'm in a trance.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: All right. That's it.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: I'm telling the spirits to put your soul in a half-nelson.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Klinger, you want a curse? I'll give you a curse. You've got guard duty and K.P. till further notice, starting right now.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Aw, sir...
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Boogie-woogie!
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: I'm going, I'm going! How come when YOU say it, it works?
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: [pointing to his colonel hat] Because MY bird is more powerful than your bird.
- Colonel Lacy: You know, we're really not so far apart.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Right. Opposite sides of the same fence.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: No, he's got a point. We're all in the same business. As surgeons, we'll sacrifice some tissue in order to save the whole body. You'll sacrifice a few men in order to, uh... to, uh... What is it you get out of that again?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: A hill. You know, a rock.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Oh, yeah, right. See? We're practically the same.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Have you ever had your appendix out?
- Colonel Lacy: No.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Appendix?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Yeah, acute appendicitis. That could keep you out for a week or two.
- Colonel Lacy: Two weeks? They'll take me off the line. I'll--
- [groan]
- Colonel Lacy: --lose my battalion.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Definitely your appendix.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Wait a minute. You want to open him up and take out his appendix?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Well, I could reach down his throat and get it, but that would be another two weeks.