M*A*S*H (TV Series)
Mail Call Three (1978)
David Ogden Stiers: Maj. Charles Winchester
Photos
Quotes
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Maj. Charles Winchester : Have you seen my tortoise pen? My tortoise shell fountain pen?
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : No.
Maj. Charles Winchester : I won it in a debate. "Should the U.S. permit more liberal immigration?" I, of course, took the negative.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Ohh.
Maj. Charles Winchester : My family has had problems with immigrants ever since we came to America.
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Captain Ben Pierce : Here are your letters.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Oh, thanks. Oh, isn't that nice? All unopened.
Maj. Charles Winchester : Pity you can't extend the same courtesy to Captain Pierce.
Captain Ben Pierce : I don't understand. You mean you looked at my letters?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Well, one of them fell on the ground and broke open.
Captain Ben Pierce : What do you mean, broke open?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : That was just a little levity to ease the tension.
[chuckling]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : You know... I just--I only read one of them.
Maj. Charles Winchester : Uh, which one was that, Pierce? The one from Sheila, Joyce, or Gloria?
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Captain Ben Pierce : [Hawkeye has read the other Capt. Ben Pierce's letters] Hey, Captain, that's not a nice thing to do.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Look, I'm sorry, but up here a letter, any letter, is as good as gold, and yours are platinum.
Maj. Charles Winchester : Yes, you're quite a Romeo.
Captain Ben Pierce : No, no, I'm no Romeo.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : You're not? I don't do that well in my dreams.
Captain Ben Pierce : I wish they'd stop writing me. I never answer them.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : I tell you what. I'll write to them. I've always wanted to be a foreign correspondent.
Captain Ben Pierce : What do you mean, a foreign correspondent?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Joke. Little joke.
Captain Ben Pierce : Oh. Yeah.
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Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : [about her mother-in-law] Donald put me up for an associate membership in the D.A.R., and she blackballed me.
Maj. Charles Winchester : Well, that's understandable.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : What?
Maj. Charles Winchester : Margaret, the D.A.R. has standards to maintain. They can't let just anybody in. Besides, you wouldn't be happy there. People standing around talking about things you wouldn't understand and ignoring you in the process.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Is that so?
Maj. Charles Winchester : Margaret, people like we Winchesters and the Penobscotts must constantly be on guard to maintain the integrity of, how shall I say, the breed.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : What am I, half schnauzer, half airedale?
Maj. Charles Winchester : Now, now, dear. Inherited characteristics are extremely important, and the bloodline is the key. Most assuredly you are good breeding stock, wide pelvis.
[Margaret elbows him in the gut]
Maj. Charles Winchester : Ooh. Good bones.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Out!
Maj. Charles Winchester : [Margaret grabs him by the collar] Firm muscle tone.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Out!
Maj. Charles Winchester : [Margaret turns him around and starts him marching] Excellent reflexes.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Out!
Maj. Charles Winchester : [Margaret marches him out the door] Will you excuse me?
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Captain Ben Pierce : Well, nice meeting you.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Wait, wait, just a second. I-I No offense, Pierce, but you don't exactly look like Clark Gable, and you don't sound like Ronald Colman, and you don't move like Fred Astaire. How do you do it?
Captain Ben Pierce : Do what?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Get all the girls to go wild about ya.
Captain Ben Pierce : Oh, that. Uh, I guess it's 'cause I make them laugh.
Maj. Charles Winchester : [in disbelief] I beg your pardon?
Captain Ben Pierce : I make them laugh. It's my sense of humor. I'm a very funny guy.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : [after the other Capt. Pierce leaves] He's a VERY funny guy.