- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Frank, don't be paranoid.
- Maj. Frank Burns: I'm only paranoid 'cause everybody's against me.
- Maj. Frank Burns: I'm fine! I'm completely fine! The last thing I'm gonna give you two ghouls is any of my blood!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Ghouls. That's a nice thing to call us vampires.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: [while struggling to get out of the surgical gown and handcuffs that Trapper used to tie her to Frank] Colonel! Look at us!
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: It does look pretty silly without the music.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Look, if I hand out AB-neg to somebody from the other side and then one of our kids needs it, well, General Hammond will personally give me a tail-ectomy without a local!
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Yes sir.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Radar! Dammit Radar, how many times have I told you not to come in here before I call you?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: I don't like to be late, sir.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: How can you be late if you come in here before I even know I want you?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Ours is not to question why, sir.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: I don't want any more static from Frank Burns. That man is a raw nerve.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I couldn't agree more.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: You know, if I didn't know better, I'd say the guy was my wife in army drag.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Radar, are you...
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Why would I want to pull a fast one, sir?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: ... trying to pull a fa- Would you stop saying what I'm thinking!
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: One of us has to.