- Frank Burns: Why is someone's appendix in this boot?
- Hawkeye: Because the other one is full of tonsils.
- Gen. Crandell Clayton: [catching Captain Hildebrand drinking on the job] Captain Hildebrand!
- Captain Hildebrand: These guys make a gin that can melt your dog tags.
- Hawkeye: Comes from a recipe first brewed in Hermann Goering's navel and handed down from war to war.
- Gen. Crandell Clayton: You had a mission here, Captain.
- Captain Hildebrand: Oh, I've done it. I can give you your report. In my short stay here I have seen textbook examples of neuroses, psychoses. I have seen voyeurism, fetishism, and a few isms I've never even heard of. And let me tell you this, General. These impossible people are in an impossible place, doing totally impossible work. They're mad, quite mad, all of them. And the only act I can think of that would be madder still, would be breaking them up.
- Major Margaret Houlihan: [about Hawkeye and Trapper] There isn't a nurse in this camp they haven't tried to molest.
- Captain John McIntyre: Except the male ones.
- Hawkeye: Speak for yourself.
- PA announcer: [PA announcement] Immediately following Mass this Sunday, Yom Kippur services will be held for Jewish personnel of the Hebrew faith.
- Frank Burns: We were just, um... going over tomorrow's duty roster.
- Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: The one on my desk?
- Major Margaret Houlihan: He means yesterday's duty roster tomorrow.
- Hawkeye: [speaking to Capt. Hildebrand about himself, Trapper, and Frank Burns] We're thinking of going into practice together when we get home. Isn't that right, Trap?
- Captain John McIntyre: Yeah. We're going to open our own clinic, the three of us.
- Frank Burns: That's right. The three of us war buddies would run the place.
- Hawkeye: Frank would park the cars.
- Frank Burns: Well, a shave wouldn't be a bad start. You both look more like bums than doctors.
- Captain John McIntyre: Actually, I was, uh, thinking of becoming a bum doctor, but the proctology class was full.
- Captain John McIntyre: Well, we did it again.
- Hawkeye: Screwed up in reverse. We'll never get out of here.