Photos
Quotes
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Hawkeye : [playacting] "What did you do in the war, Daddy?"
Hawkeye : "I was latrine officer, son. My outfit never made a move without me!"
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre : [throwing papers into the stove] Hey, should we leave in the staples?
Hawkeye : Damn the staples, man. This is war. Everyone has to live dangerously.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre : [the door opens and lets in a blast of cold air. Radar comes in with men carrying cots] Hey, close the door!
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly : Okay, guys, put 'em right in here.
Hawkeye : What's going on?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly : [holding up clipboard] New sleeping arrangements, by order of Corporal O'Reilly, housing officer.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly : [Trapper grabs the clipboard and throws it in the stove] Hey!
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre : By order of Captain McIntyre, heating officer.
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Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre : [Blake and Radar come into the Swamp for the night] Colonel Blake's party!
Hawkeye : We have your reservation, sir. A single bed for yourself and a cradle for your son.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake : Let's not have a lot of tongue-wagging in here tonight.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly : Which bed should I take, sir?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake : Well, let me face away from everybody, Radar, on account of me snoring.
Hawkeye : Oh, lovely!
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre : Henry, you're joking.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake : Joking? Heh. I could be on the Olympic Snoring team. I snored the siding half off of my house. I even got a fan letter once from the seismograph people at Fordham.
Hawkeye : How are we supposed to sleep with that?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake : Well, if it gets too bad, just do what my wife does.
Hawkeye : What's that?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake : [smiling] Hold me close!
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Frank Burns : What would have happened in 1776 if the Minutemen on their way to Concord had stopped to worry about toilet paper?
Hawkeye : So we would have had independence ten minutes later.
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Frank Burns : [looking at Klinger] What's he doing in here?
Hawkeye : Sharing our tent.
Frank Burns : Not on your nellie. You won't catch me sleeping with an enlisted man.
Hawkeye : Frank...
Frank Burns : Hmm?
Hawkeye : Just wrap yourself in the flag and go to sleep.
Trapper : And don't get in bed with that gun. That's an order.
Frank Burns : A captain can't give a major an order.
Hawkeye : Then it's a threat.
Frank Burns : Well, that's different. This was a great war until you guys showed up.
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Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Major Houlihan threw me out of the nurses' tent. She found out I was a man.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : You gotta get up pretty early in the morning to fool Major Houlihan.
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : [finding a baked ham in Frank's bag] 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello.
Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre : What is it?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Mr. Minuteman here has climbed down off the Washington Monument long enough to do a little Valley Forge gorging.
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Lt. Col. Henry Blake : Our supply line's been cut.
Maj. Frank Burns : Who did that?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake : ...The other side, Frank.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : We can't do everything ourselves.
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Frank Burns : Gripe, gripe, gripe!
Hawkeye : [singing] The boys are marching.
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Frank, why aren't you sleeping with a blanket?
Maj. Frank Burns : None of your beeswax.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Everybody else is freezing.
Maj. Frank Burns : It's my metabolism. I'm hyperthyroid. Very low blood pressure, very low body temperature.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : That comes from being dead for two years.
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Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre : Henry, did you call Regimental yet?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake : Yes, I called Regimental and they said they're doing their best.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : You know there are people at the Alamo still waiting for supplies?
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Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre : [Hawkeye puts a hot brick into a bedpan] What's for dinner? Brick again?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : I gotta heat my cot. When all of this is over, I'm going to invent an electric bedpan.
Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre : Yeah, sure.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Oh, you scoff. They laughed at Orville Wright when he invented his brother, Wilbur. Said he would never get him off the ground.
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Lt. Col. Henry Blake : Captain Pierce - maintenance and general service and supplies. Major Houlihan, you'll look after the nurses.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Margaret, I'll trade you my maintenance for your nurse looking after.
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Maj. Frank Burns : This place ought to be called Benedict Arnold Hospital!
Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre : Hey, Frank made a joke.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : I think we ought to get a second opinion on that.