- Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: [Drunk, trying to give a temperance sermon in the mess tent] It's rather warm in here. Radar, would you open one of the stained glass windows?
- Hawkeye: [Hawkeye, Trapper and Margaret are drunk. Hawkeye sings] I wish there were a radio way up in heaven/So I could say hello to Mother every day.
- Hot Lips: I didn't know you could sing.
- Hawkeye: Was I singing? I thought I was dancing.
- [They all laugh]
- Frank: What the devil's going on in here?
- Trapper: Frank! Baby!
- Hawkeye: [sings, followed by Trapper and Margaret] Come on in and take off your skin and rattle around in your bones!
- Frank: Major Houlihan!
- Hot Lips: Whoop!
- Frank: This really cuts me to the quick!
- Hawkeye: That's quite all right. His quick could use some cutting!
- Hawkeye, Hot Lips, Trapper: [laughing]
- Frank: Let me have that!
- [sniffs flask]
- Frank: Where did this liquor come from?
- Hot Lips: Shhhhh!
- Hawkeye, Trapper: [almost in unison] Yeah, don't tell anybody.
- Frank: As your commanding officer, I insist!
- Hawkeye: Ok, ok, ok.
- [Grabs Frank and pull him closer]
- Hawkeye: You take eleven string beans, one onion, half a radish, and four banamas.
- Trapper: [Grabs Frank's sleeve] Mix it up, and you... uh... let it soak for... uh... six weeks.
- Hawkeye: Days.
- Trapper: Days.
- Hot Lips: You'd better write this down, Frank.
- Hawkeye: [Grabs Frank back] Then you look around and you find the tallest tree, and you hang the stuff in an emena bag, and you let it lay there for eighteen weeks...
- Trapper: Days.
- Hawkeye: Days.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Ain't you gonna say anything about my outfit?
- Hawkeye: Later.
- Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: Say something nice about his gloves.
- Hawkeye: Huh?
- Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: [whispering] Gloves.
- Hawkeye: Oh. Uh, I love your gloves, Klinger.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Sears catalogue. They were having a white sale. You trace your hands on a piece of paper to give 'em your right size however if you want the black ones which aren't on the white sale you really don't care, do you?
- Frank: Have you ever given a lecture on temperance, Father? On the evils of drink?
- Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: Well, no I haven't. But on the troop ship I was asked to give a lecture on uh, the sex thing.
- Frank: Good!
- Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: Well... being celibate, I didn't feel qualified. They called in a Protestant. He had a film. About two sailors. One was from Cleveland, ostensibly, and the other from a small rural area. The city boy decided to stay on his ship and write his high school sweetheart, a lovely young girl, with a megaphone on her chest.
- Frank: Father, please. This is important.
- Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: ...The country boy got mixed up with a young lady who lived in a trailer with three other young ladies and... a man with a whip.
- Frank: Father...
- Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: Broke his wristwatch and everything.
- Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: [Still drunk, after his temperance lecture falls apart] Have I ever told you folks the one about the prodigal son?
- Frank: [barracading the officer's club] Ahh, it makes it one hundred percent. This place is now bone dry!
- Radar: Yes, sir.
- Frank: The uh, men detest me, don't they?
- Radar: Oh no, sir.
- Frank: No, you can tell the truth. They hate me, don't they?
- Radar: Just your guts, sir.
- Frank: Well this is for their own good! They don't have to love me.
- Radar: Uh, I'm sure they'll be very happy to hear that, Major.
- Frank: Well, you don't have to stand there talking to me... Go to sleep!
- Radar: I can do both at the same time.
- P.A. Announcer: [Voice over] Attention all personnel. Seoul HQ reports that rain is expected this evening.
- Hawkeye: [Hawkeye holds out his hand, catching drops of rain from a hole in the tent] A lot they know.
- Frank: There's just no question. You're alcoholics! You drink constantly!
- Hawkeye: All right, we drink. We drink so we can get through these lousy, stinking, 48-hour days.
- Trapper: We're cold, filthy, lonely.
- Hawkeye: Scared, bored, tired.
- Trapper: Frightened and very drowsy.
- Hawkeye: And on top of that, Alice Faye goes to the big city and loses her voice!
- Trapper: She didn't.
- Hawkeye: Yeah.
- Trapper: We need a drink!