- Conan O'Brien: My God, look, Simon, it's Triumph the Insult Comic Dog! Who knew?
- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: I'm ready for you, bitch! Talk about wasting my life watching that. No no, it was great. It was great, it was a fascinating interview. I've always wondered what it would be like if we blow-dried the Weakest Link chick and cut off her nuts!
- [audience laughter]
- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Seriously, seriously, man, what's with the '80s hair? Look at that thing. Look at that. What's with the '80s hair style, man? Look at this. You look like Denny Terrio shtupped a chow chow! Get a lawyer and sue Super Cuts!
- [audience applause; Triumph grabs some cards]
- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Got a few more here.
- [Conan laughs]
- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: All right. No, seriously: Who the hell do you think you are, man? Fuck you. You're telling- listen to me! You're telling, fig- I don't understand the logic.
- [Robert Smigel puts Triumph's arm back into place]
- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Let me fix my arm here...
- Conan O'Brien: [to Simon] He has trouble with his arm sometimes.
- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Seriously, what's the logic here? You go on, and you tell people that they have no talent? That's like poop telling vomit it stinks!
- [audience laughter; Robert Smigel places the cigar back in Triumph's mouth]
- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: I kid, I kid, you're a big star! You're a big star, you're- you're like the star of American Idol, seriously, they should rename it "British Homo".
- [audience laughter]
- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: He's a tough guy, no, he's good, he's fine, don't worry about him, he can handle it, he gives it to people straight and hard! I guess... I guess I don't need a punchline for that one. Go back to England, bitch!
- Conan O'Brien: [over audience cheers/applause] Oh, it's too far. He goes too far. It shouldn't happen to anyone.
- Simon Cowell: I feel humbled.