- Conan O'Brien: [as a "contestant" on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire"]
- [Regis Philbin: "For $8,000: What American historical figure wrote and published "Poor Richard's Almanack"? Ben Franklin, William Penn, Nathan Hale, Mark Twain."]
- Conan O'Brien: [Conan laughs hysterically]
- [Regis: "You remember this?"]
- Conan O'Brien: What's to remember? It's so easy!
- [laughs some more]
- Conan O'Brien: What am I, a moron? Oh... okay. Okay, Regis, I studied American history in junior high, so this one is a slam dunk. Nathan Hale.
- [Regis: "Final answer?"]
- Conan O'Brien: ... Ben Franklin.
- [Regis: "Final answer?"]
- Conan O'Brien: Nathan Hale.
- [Regis: "Final answer?"]
- Conan O'Brien: No no no, it's William Penn. Definitely William Penn.
- [Regis: "Final answer?"]
- Conan O'Brien: No.
- [Regis: "You've got one lifeline left."]
- Conan O'Brien: No way. Lifelines are for losers. Ben Franklin, baby! Ben Franklin, all the way!
- [Regis: "Ben Franklin. Is that your final answer?"]
- Conan O'Brien: No. World War II.
- [Regis: "World War II. Final answer?"]
- Conan O'Brien: Fettuccine.
- [Regis: "Fettuccine. Is that your final answer?"]
- Conan O'Brien: Indiana Jones.
- [Regis: "Indiana Jones. Final answer?"]
- Conan O'Brien: ... I was a bed-wetter! Sorry, pressure kind of got to me.
- [Regis: "Are you Irish?"]
- Conan O'Brien: What does that have to do with anything? I'm here to win a million bucks, old man.
- [Regis: "There ya go. What American historical figure wrote and published-"]
- Conan O'Brien: Yeah yeah, I remember the question. Ben Franklin.
- [Regis: "Is that your final answer?"]
- Conan O'Brien: My final answer is in my butt!
- [Regis: "Final answer?"]
- Conan O'Brien: I'm gonna ask the audience.
- [Regis: "Absolutely. Audience, we need a little help here. Are you ready? If you are, on your keypads, using A, B, C, or D, please vote now."]
- Conan O'Brien: [results: 54% say "D: Conan is a Moron"]
- [Regis: "Well, it's pretty overwhelming."]
- Conan O'Brien: They're always right. I'm gonna go with "Conan is a moron."
- [Regis: "They're right, you're right!"]