- Arthur: [Trying to find an emergency guest host] Call in this order: Jerry Seinfeld, Richard Lewis, Bob Saget, John Ritter, Howie Mandel, Louie Anderson.
- Paula: Howie Mandel?
- Arthur: You're right. Flop Howie and Louie. When you call Seinfeld let him know he's our first choice. When he says no, let Richard Lewis *think* that he's our first choice and so on down the list.
- Paula: The way your mind works amazes me!
- Arthur: I'm only now comfortable with it myself.
- Hank Kingsley: Don't adjust your vertical, don't adjust your horizontal, there's nothing wrong with your set, it is me again.
- [minor laughs from the audience]
- Hank Kingsley: It's not Larry who is sick, it's me! It's me. I am very sick. I am sicko. I'm so fucking sick. But... I'm finally where I belong.
- Hank Kingsley: See, that's interesting because I told our head writer that that was a little uh... off, but he's such a hopeless retard that...
- [boos from audience]
- Hank Kingsley: Easy now.
- [someone in the audience yells "You suck!". Hank doesn't know how to react]
- Phil: [explaining his joke] ... and socks have something to do with that decision.
- Hank Kingsley: It's not funny.
- Phil: I beg your pardon?
- Hank Kingsley: What word you have trouble with? Do you understand "not"? That's confortable for you?
- Phil: Yeah.
- Hank Kingsley: And "funny", you heard of that?
- Phil: Hmm hmm.
- Hank Kingsley: This doesn't work. You see, socks have something to do with *that* decision, see now I'm laughing.
- Phil: Well, laugh louds seem to cover for the rest of us.
- Hank Kingsley: Hey, hey, do you like your job?
- Phil: No.
- Hank Kingsley: [astonished] Well, watch it! You may go.
- Phil: [sarcastic] Oh may I? Thank you! C'mon Sid.
- Hank Kingsley: Watch it, asshole.