- Hank Hill: I know what's best for my dad.
- Cotton Hill: If you knew what's best for me you'd have drowned yourself two days after you was born!
- Announcer: [during end credits] The story you have just seen is based on a true event. At the battle of Cerro Gordo in 1847, the Illinois Volunteer Infantry captured the artificial leg of Mexican General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna, while the General and his men feasted on a lunch of roasted chicken. Unfortunately, Santa Anna's leg still resides in an Illinois museum. If you would like to join the movement to return the leg to the Mexican people, write Illinois Senator Richard J. Durbin. Thank you, and good night.
- Peggy Hill: Even as we speak, Santa Ana's real fake leg is making its way from museum to museum on its journey home. I guess you could say the Arlen Museum is the "last leg" of the tour.
- [laughs]
- Peggy Hill: Oh, Peggy!
- Luanne Platter: [shocked] Uncle Hank, Aunt Peg, I just heard on the news there's a Santa Claus exhibit at the museum, and someone stole his leg!
- Mexican Official: Here you are, senor, one driver's license.
- Cotton Hill: Thank you! And here you are, one Santie Annie's leg!
- Dale Gribble: Joseph, you know I do not sign any document issued by a government institution. Ask your mother.
- [Joseph and Bobby are part of a class presentation on the history of General Santa Anna of Mexico]
- Joseph Gribble: I am General Santa Anna. I led the Mexican Army at the Alamo, where we defeated Texas.
- Students: Boo!
- Bobby Hill: [holding a bucket of KFC chicken] We are at the battle of Cerro Gordo eleven years later and we are hungry. Sir, I will hold your artificial leg while you eat chicken.
- [Bobby and Joseph sit and begin eating chicken. Dooley sneaks up behind them with a musket]
- Dooley: Attack.
- Bobby Hill: Look out! It's the Illinois Volunteer Infantry! Hop on, General!
- [Joseph hops on Bobby's back and they escape, leaving the fake leg behind. Dooley holds it above his head]
- Dooley: I stole your fake leg.
- Cotton Hill: You see, Bobby, your daddy's gene'ation's givin' away everything we fought for! Pannyma Canal. Mexican legs. You people would give back Gandhi's diapers if you had 'em!
- Cotton Hill: [taking the eye test at the DMV] All right, clerkie, take down the first letter of every word I say. "Some Day Governor Reagan Will Run For President." I pass! Gimme my license!
- Cotton Hill: I don't take no anesthetic. Did Lincoln ask for girlie gas when they blowed his head off?