- Carrie Heffernan: Ok Doug, you know what? This year I don't want a Christmas present. All I want is for you to stop acting like a big baby and grow up.
- Doug Heffernan: No, I gave that to you last year.
- [a midget hit on Carrie]
- Doug Heffernan: Hey, guy hits on my woman, I'm gonna throw down.
- Carrie Heffernan: Really? How come you didn't do anything to that banker who asked me out to dinner last week?
- Doug Heffernan: Because, he was almost my height.