- Jack Gallo: Hey, is that a tarantula?
- Kevin Liotta: She's my pet.
- Dennis Finch: That's no pet. A pet is something you can hug and cuddle and dress up like a pirate.
- Kevin Liotta: Kinda like you.
- Dennis Finch: I outrank you.
- Kevin Liotta: Nina, check it out. I brought my tarantula.
- Nina Van Horn: How unsettling.
- Kevin Liotta: Her name's Tina. Which rhymes with Nina.
- Nina Van Horn: Which rhymes with restraining order.
- Jack Gallo: Ah, yes, the lion. That is Nature's one true killing machine.
- Kevin Liotta: What about the shark?
- Jack Gallo: Fine. The shark and the lion, nature's two true killing machines.
- Dennis Finch: Jack, it's your ex-wife.
- Jack Gallo: Three true killing machines.
- Dennis Finch: ...and her lawyer.
- Jack Gallo: My point is, danger is everywhere.
- Maya Gallo: That is so weird. Why would she invite us?
- Nina Van Horn: Well, because I'm always the life of the party, and you're... I don't know. It is a bit of a mystery.
- Dennis Finch: The automobile: pillar of Western civilization. But in the wrong hands, she can be deadly. I am Professor Finch. as in First In Not Causing Harm.
- Jack Gallo: So your spider is running loose?
- Kevin Liotta: Uh-huh.
- Jack Gallo: I see. You search on the floor. I'll crawl up here and cancel my day.
- Maya Gallo: But I couldn't forgive you for blabbing to Robin. How can you forgive me for this?
- Nina Van Horn: Hey, I talk too much, you almost killed me. Nobody's perfect.
- Mrs. Lubitz: Forgot to signal.
- Elliot DiMauro: Was caught speeding.
- Mrs. Lubitz: The cop was a woman and Jewish, and still I'm here.
- Elliot DiMauro: What are you doing here?
- Dennis Finch: This may surprise you, but scraping the seeds off Jack's bagel doesn't complete me.
- Elliot DiMauro: Why traffic school?
- Dennis Finch: Because I'm good at it, and by the way, it's traffic academy.
- Maya Gallo: [Robin's party is too full] Screw it. Let's go.
- Nina Van Horn: No way. I spent cab fare and I'm using this scarf that I hardly ever wear, and I'm getting my money's worth.
- [reaches into crowd, pulls out champagne bottle]
- Maya Gallo: How did you know that was there?
- Nina Van Horn: How do dogs find their way home?
- Nina Van Horn: You know what you are? You're a prissy piggy!
- Maya Gallo: Well, you're a blabber piggy!
- Nina Van Horn: Well, you're a grudge piggy, and that's the biggest piggy of all the piggiest piggies that there ever were!
- Maya Gallo: Hey, Nina. Who am I?
- [snorts and does hand gesture]
- Nina Van Horn: Barbara Walters!
- Maya Gallo: No, I'm Robin. She only invited us for the gifts. She's a little gift piggy.
- [snort]
- Nina Van Horn: Oh, I see.
- Maya Gallo: Hey, mom, I got more gifts! Isn't that super?
- [snort]
- Nina Van Horn: Hey, gang! I'm registered at Oinkingdales!
- [snort]