- Dean Cassidy: Am I late? I took the express elevator and ended up on the roof.
- Dennis Finch: That's where they're having the genius convention.
- Maya Gallo: Have you seen my new intern?
- Dennis Finch: No. Maybe that's why I had to buy my own licorice.
- Maya Gallo: Dennis, he's not here to be your gofer, he's here to learn.
- Dennis Finch: Well, he can learn to kiss my tiny heinie.
- Nina Van Horn: I am dating a celebrity! I don't know why that's so fascinating to all of you! Any questions?
- Zigmund: I am looking for Nina Van Horn.
- Dennis Finch: And you are?
- Zigmund: The Amazing Zigmund! It's on my card.
- Dennis Finch: Dude, I don't have your card.
- Zigmund: You do have my card. It's inside that banana.
- Dennis Finch: Oh, my God!
- Zigmund: Thank you!
- Dennis Finch: Dude, I brought this from home!
- Dennis Finch: You should have seen it. This little blonde hottie was all boo-hoo, then she tripped on a mop and did a flippity-flop, and she fell on her fanny and I saw a little panty.
- Jack Gallo: Nina, have you met Pamela Anderson?
- Pamela Anderson: You're Nina Van Horn.
- Nina Van Horn: Yes, so?
- [Pamela slaps Nina]
- Pamela Anderson: I believe you know what that's for.
- Nina Van Horn: I do, and I believe you know what this is for.
- [slaps Pamela]
- Pamela Anderson: No, I don't. What?
- Nina Van Horn: For slapping me.
- Jack Gallo: I'm the volunteer for the tiger trick.
- Pamela Anderson: No, you're not. I am.
- Jack Gallo: What? That's impossible!
- Zigmund: Pamela, get ready for the tiger trick.
- Jack Gallo: That could mean anything.
- Pamela Anderson: Don't take it so hard. I'm just a bigger celebrity.
- Jack Gallo: I'm Jack Gallo, publisher of Blush magazine.
- Pamela Anderson: I'm the fantasy of every man in America.
- Jack Gallo: Not this man, honey. Now let's end this with a big, long hug.
- Pamela Anderson: Ziggy, we're on.
- Zigmund: Okay, I... just need to be focused.
- Pamela Anderson: Okay, just think of a hot, hunky guy.
- Maya Gallo: Where have you been?
- Dean Cassidy: I was waiting in line for your sandwich.
- Maya Gallo: [opens bag] What part of whole wheat don't you understand?
- Dean Cassidy: They were out, so I just assumed...
- Maya Gallo: Lesson number one: a good journalist doesn't assume.
- Dennis Finch: Lesson number two: have your dad own the magazine.
- Dean Cassidy: She is crazy!
- Dennis Finch: You know what they say. Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed.
- Dean Cassidy: How old are you?
- Dennis Finch: What are you doing? That's not his job.
- Maya Gallo: His job is whatever I tell him to do.
- Dennis Finch: [answers phone] Mistress Maya's House of Discipline.