- Mr. Paul Dreisbach: The English Longbows rain arrows on the French knights in their armor. Angry, the French charge across the plowed field. Then tragedy. What tragedy? Class?
- [a student raises his hand]
- Mr. Paul Dreisbach: Who knows?
- [seeing Joan is asleep and snoring loudly, he picks up a trash can and drops it on the floor]
- Joan Girardi: [jerking awake] I didn't do it.
- Joan Girardi: What?
- Luke Girardi: Hash browns and a bagel?
- Joan Girardi: So?
- Luke Girardi: You're renting out a lot of space at the bottom of the food pyramid.
- Joan Girardi: Can't you just say "carbs to the max" or something remotely normal?
- Luke Girardi: Dad, can I have fifty bucks?
- Will Girardi: Ooh, I almost made it to my coffee.
- Helen Girardi: What's the money for, Luke?
- Luke Girardi: 32 Cornell Dubilier inverter-grade capacitors.
- Will Girardi: [sarcastic] I just happen to have a few of those in my pocket.
- Helen Girardi: Luke, would you consider these capacitor things a necessity?
- Luke Girardi: Well, that just depends if you define necessity as the power of natural law that cannot be other than what it is, but...
- Will Girardi: [giving him the money] Okay, knock yourself out. Anybody else?
- Joan Girardi: You know, my shoe collection is, like, from three years ago.
- Helen Girardi: You have enough shoes. Okay, bank is closed.
- Grace Polk: Joan of Arc was, like, *the* girl warrior. Strapped on chain mail and led men into battle. Naturally, they burned her at the stake.
- Joan Girardi: She wasn't crazy, right? I mean, she wasn't a paranoid schizophrenic with a miscellaneous complex.
- Grace Polk: Are you trying to say "messianic complex"?
- Joan Girardi: Oh. I guess.
- Gardener God: You're not crazy, Joan.
- Joan Girardi: No offense, but the person who makes me feel crazy is in no position to say I'm not.
- Gardener God: You even know what a paranoid schizophrenic is?
- Joan Girardi: Yes, I do. It's a person who hears voices, like, from God, which is what makes me, I don't know, twitchy.
- Gardener God: Here's what I want you to do.
- Joan Girardi: Okay, let's get back to the "crazy" thing. Okay? Were you really talking to Joan of Arc, and... am I... am I like her?
- Gardener God: This history test that's coming up, I want you to ace it.
- Joan Girardi: That's unsettling when God uses slang.
- Sammy: I can't tell you about Joan of Arc, because in order to do that, I'd have to assume you have some basic grasp of anything that happened before, say, the Reagan years.
- Joan Girardi: I have a test coming up on this, and I have to get an "A". Come on, just help me out, okay?
- Sammy: Well, here's an interesting approach. Read the books.
- Steve Thompson: Two years! Two years! Thousands of man-hours, hundreds of thousands of dollars in federal drug war funds, and you blow it for a dinky little public relations bust!
- D.A. Gabe Fellowes: This is Steve Thompson from the Drug Enforcement Agency, Chief.
- Will Girardi: Are you yelling at me for my benefit or to impress your guys? Because if it's for me, you might as well cut it out.
- D.A. Gabe Fellowes: You are really starting to burn my ass, Girardi.
- Will Girardi: And I feel good about it.
- D.A. Gabe Fellowes: Well, feel good about this. In an effort to cooperate with the Drug Enforcement Agency, I am not going to lay charges against any of the lowlifes you arrested in that crack house. That way, the DEA can continue to monitor their criminal activities.
- Will Girardi: It's over. Put them in jail.
- D.A. Gabe Fellowes: Better still, it's going to look like the arrests were bad. You're going to wear this. Enjoy your next six months as a lame duck incompetent chief, Chief.
- Gavin Price: I'll give you until Friday to decide, Joan.
- Helen Girardi: Decide what?
- Joan Girardi: They want me to take the test again, which is like saying I cheated.
- Helen Girardi: No one is saying that. Are... are you saying that?
- Gavin Price: We just want her to take the test again. That should restore the equilibrium.
- Helen Girardi: My daughter does not cheat. So you know what you can do with your equilibrium.
- Gavin Price: I'm making a reasonable request, Helen.
- Joan Girardi: I'm not retaking the test. Sometimes you have to take a stand, and this is me doing that.
- Joan Girardi: So I picked up some strange interests. I mean, kids do that. So I smash a piece of art. I mean, I had my reasons. And the whole cheating thing is completely whack.
- Will Girardi: Cheating thing?
- Joan Girardi: I did not cheat. I am not retaking the test.
- Will Girardi: Joan cheated?
- Helen Girardi: No. It's just Price on a tear. Joan didn't cheat.
- Will Girardi: How could you not tell me that?
- Helen Girardi: This just in, Will. I try to protect you from things if I can.
- Mr. Paul Dreisbach: I was absolutely certain you had cheated. Why? Because I've been teaching for thirty years, and I know perfectly well when I'm not getting through to students, and... I wasn't getting through to you.
- Joan Girardi: To be perfectly fair, Mr. Dreisbach, I think you're really only getting through to Steve Zakheim.
- Mr. Paul Dreisbach: Yeah, I know. And that's my fault. Somewhere along the line, I got discouraged, and I started... just phoning it in. I'm aware. It's a... it's a teacher's greatest fear. You know, before this event, I was going to quit. This was going to be my last year, and, uh... it was causing me a lot of pain, because I wasn't going out in a blaze of glory. I was... I was surrendering in defeat, like the French at-at Agincourt, floundering in the mud of my-my students' indifference. But I made you care about history, Ms. Girardi. I don't know how I did it, but I did. And that's the whole point. You inspired me to take back my crown. I thank you.
- Terry Ann Costello: Grace,my feet hurt in these shoes!
- Grace Polk: Then kick them off.I didnt ask you to dress like a Republican!