- Dr. Gregory House: [to Hailey] You have an infection. I'm gonna need a sample.
- Hailey: I brought the jar.
- Dr. Gregory House: No, I meant a sample of your...
- [Hailey holds up a jar of strawberry jelly; House is stunned]
- Dr. Gregory House: Okay. We have a neurological problem here.
- Hailey: There's something wrong with my brain?
- Dr. Gregory House: [trying not to laugh] Oh, yeah.
- Dr. Gregory House: You probably shouldn't have sex for a while.
- Hailey: How long?
- Dr. Gregory House: On an evolutionary basis, I'd recommend forever.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: Can I talk to you about something in confidence?
- Dr. Wilson: Of course.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: It's about House.
- Dr. Wilson: Oh, then, no.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: How would you describe my leadership skills?
- Dr. Gregory House: Nonexistent... otherwise, excellent.
- Dr. Gregory House: Chase killed that woman, now Foreman's in charge?
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yeah, we have a pecking order here. If Cameron kills someone, Chase takes over. There's a flowchart in the lobby.
- Dr. Gregory House: I don't care what anybody says. I care what they do. Right now, Blackpoleon Blackaparte has got the nurses on red alert, I can't get into the patient's room. So come on, I'll draw the enemy fire, you outflank them, get in there, get the bone marrow sample.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: [about Anica] She's got an appointment with her ophthalmologist on Tuesday and an appointment with her gynecologist on Thursday. Multiple appointments with multiple doctors. Symptom of Munchausen's.
- Dr. Gregory House: Or... just thinking outside the box here, she has a vagina and trouble reading.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: Cuddy tapped Foreman to run the department. I didn't even get asked.
- Dr. Robert Chase: Neither did I.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: You were suspended.
- Dr. Robert Chase: I was kidding.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: It's the irony of women in charge. They don't like other women in charge.
- [Chase scoffs at her]
- Dr. Allison Cameron: What, you think it's something else?
- Dr. Robert Chase: You sabotaged yourself. You went on a date with House. You slept with me. Putting you in charge of this department is like a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: Yeah, they're really worried that I'm going to create a hostile work environment.
- Dr. Robert Chase: Maybe that's the problem. Being in charge means having to say no to House. Would you hire you for that?
- Dr. Allison Cameron: [while looking through Anica's home] There's even books in the bathroom.
- Dr. Gregory House: Well, either she's very smart or she has a severe fiber deficiency.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: There's more to being a leader than being a jerk!
- Dr. Gregory House: The world will never know.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: [to House about Anica] You just don't wanna admit that she skunked you.
- Dr. Gregory House: At the end of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf," the wolf really does come and he eats the sheep, and the boy, and his parents.
- Dr. Robert Chase: The wolf doesn't eat the parents!
- Dr. Gregory House: It does when I tell it.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: What do you expect me to do, House? Quit? Cry?
- Dr. Gregory House: Actually, I expect you to act like what you are: my employee, my subordinate, my bitch.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: [to Anica] This is a consent form to stick a wire into your brain. It's important for hospitals to get these signed for procedures that are completely unnecessary.
- Anica Jovanovich: You know, I was going to ask what a respectable doctor was doing in an OTB parlor. Somehow, that question doesn't seem relevant anymore.
- Dr. Robert Chase: I'd give her two months.
- Dr. Gregory House: On the bright side, it still means I was right.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: [to House] Did you get her medical records faxed over?
- Dr. Gregory House: Work smart, not hard. That's my philosophy, boss.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: Take that as a no.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: [to House] You injected her against her will just so you could be right?
- Dr. Gregory House: She consented.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: She's mentally ill!
- Dr. Gregory House: But she smells oh so sweet.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: Do a full workup. H and P. And lab her up. LP, MRI.
- [starts to leave the room]
- Dr. Gregory House: [to Foreman] Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- [Foreman stops at the door]
- Dr. Gregory House: Do you just, ever so subtly ordered me to get her medical history?
- Dr. Eric Foreman: Cuddy put me in charge last week, so... yeah.
- Dr. Gregory House: [to Imelda] You can try.
- Imelda: I can try to look like Salma Hayek. That's not gonna make it happen.
- Dr. Gregory House: [seductively] You may not have Salma's ass, but she doesn't have your eyes.
- Imelda: Yeah, right.
- [looks to House, who smiles at her]
- Imelda: How soon you need it?
- Dr. Gregory House: Sorry, I missed that. Hearing's been off since the Ricky Martin concert. Some cholo kicked me in the head.
- Dr. Gregory House: [to a patient] What else turns you on? Drugs? Casual sex? Rough sex? Casual rough sex? I'm a doctor. I need to know.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: Since when does House hang out at OTB?
- Dr. Eric Foreman: The man's an addict.
- Dr. Robert Chase: Right, but addicted to pills, not gambling.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: It's the same thing! Drug abuse, drinking, gambling. They all fire up the same pleasure centers in the brain. An addict is an addict is...
- Dr. Robert Chase: Gambling doesn't take away his pain.
- Dr. Gregory House: [as he enters his office] It does when I win.
- Anica Jovanovich: [to Cameron] I'd like to see another doctor.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: I'm not giving you what you want?
- Anica Jovanovich: I don't want a bitch.
- Dr. Gregory House: Do you like Teeny Tiny Moe in the fifth?
- Anica Jovanovich: I went 4 for 6 yesterday. You want winners, cure me first.
- Dr. Robert Chase: What if the tumor is somewhere else? There could be an ACTH-secreting tumor on her lung or pancreas.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: It's awfully rare.
- Dr. Robert Chase: Not as rare as an invisible tumor.
- Dr. Gregory House: Why didn't they put you in charge instead of Foreman? Oh yeah, you're the guy that killed that woman.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: [about Anica] She didn't even read the consent form for the pancreatic biopsy.
- Dr. Robert Chase: Who reads those things?
- Dr. Allison Cameron: Maybe she didn't read it because she knew there was nothing wrong with her. There is another explanation for the Cushing's. Maybe she injected herself with the ACTH. Her behavior suggests Munchausen's. She's had four hospitalizations in the last four months.
- Dr. Gregory House: Well, being hospitalized a lot certainly points to nothing being wrong with you.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: She's had zero symptoms since she got here. The scarring on her pancreas could be caused from injecting herself with a benzene and setting off the seizures.
- Dr. Gregory House: She's had brain surgery. You can fake a stomach ache. You can't fake a brain tumor.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: You can fake an invisible one.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: Patient being prepped for the venous sampling?
- Dr. Allison Cameron: Yeah. Mentally ill patient is right on track for a pointless procedure.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: Yeah, we get your objection.
- Anica Jovanovich: [to Cameron] I don't know what the hell you're talking about! I had a seizure. I'm sick. I need your help!
- Dr. Allison Cameron: Not from this department. The half-life of rifampin is 3 hours. After that, you'll get your psych referral and your discharge papers.
- Anica Jovanovich: You know, just because you stick your fingers down your throat doesn't mean the rest of us are screwed up.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: I guess when cooperation fails you move on to hostility.
- Dr. Gregory House: [about Anica] Look, you kick her to the curb with a Munchausen's diagnosis, you're guaranteeing that no doctor will ever listen to her again.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: We do more tests, we'll only be feeding her psychosis. The more attention we give her, the more she'll want.
- Dr. Gregory House: What if she doesn't know we're testing her?
- Dr. Eric Foreman: House, you were wrong. Live with it.
- Anica Jovanovich: [to House] I don't need to hear the riot act again.
- Dr. Gregory House: How'd you like another medical test?
- Anica Jovanovich: What?
- Dr. Gregory House: Sit.
- Anica Jovanovich: Why?
- Dr. Gregory House: So you don't crack your skull when you pass out. Just do it. You know what colchicine is?
- Anica Jovanovich: No.
- Dr. Gregory House: Well, don't feel bad. It's for gout. It's got nothing to do with anything you've ever pretended to have.
- Anica Jovanovich: I'm not pretending to...
- Dr. Gregory House: Shut up. Colchicine decimates your white blood cells, leaves almost no trace. Great for faking your way into hospitals.
- Anica Jovanovich: I didn't fake my way...
- Dr. Gregory House: Shut up. You've been doing this for years. Don't worry, it's probably not your fault. When you were a kid, you had a close relative who had a chronic disease, probably sister. And you saw all the attention she got while you were left alone, ignored, and it really, seriously screwed you up.
- Anica Jovanovich: I do not have a relative...
- Dr. Gregory House: Shut up! I'm trying to give you what you want and save your life.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: [to House] Why do you think Cuddy picked Foreman over me? Have I done something wrong or if there's something I needed to improve on...
- Dr. Gregory House: Would it make you shut up if I told you she wanted someone black?
- Anica Jovanovich: Party time. I thought it took only one doctor to do this.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: I'm observing.
- Dr. Gregory House: She's here to make sure I don't paralyze you.
- Anica Jovanovich: You've done this before, right?
- Dr. Gregory House: Successfully.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: He's kidding. He's an excellent doctor.