- Ralph: You're a riot, Alice. You're a regular riot. Hope they like those jokes on the moon, 'cause that's where you're goin'.
- Ralph Kramden: [trying to fix a broken vacuum cleaner] That's what it needs, just a little drop of oil. It'll be alright.
- Alice Kramden: A little drop of oil? It wouldn't help if you dipped it in Texas.
- Ralph Kramden: [Ralph is filling out a reference for Norton] Is the applicant trustworthy?... THE APPLICANT IS A BUM!
- Ed Norton: [Ralph is about to throw Norton out of his apartment] Ralph, can I say one thing before I leave?
- Ralph Kramden: What?
- Ed Norton: It's a piece of junk!
- [Norton runs out the door]
- Ralph Kramden: That's for cleaning rugs.
- Alice Kramden: We haven't got any rugs.
- Ralph Kramden: Put this on for cleaning upholstered furniture.
- Alice Kramden: We haven't got any upholstered furniture.
- Ralph Kramden: Clean drapes with this.
- Alice Kramden: And we haven't got any drapes.
- Ralph Kramden: And this picks up dirt.
- Alice Kramden: That, we've got.
- Ralph Kramden: How about that time we were playing softball and you got hit in the head with a bat. Who got a cab and took you over to the hospital? I did. Who come up and saw you every day? I did. Who brought you cigarettes and candy? I did.
- Ed Norton: Who hit me in the head with a bat? You did!