- Maxwell Smart: [a drunken sailor sits down opposite Max and starts slobbering from his glass] Careful. Some of it's getting in your mouth.
- Contact Man: [the informer has been mortally wounded] Drink... please... drink.
- Maxwell Smart: [Max grabs a glass of milk from a table] Here you are fellow, drink this milk.
- Contact Man: [panting] Is it regular or skim?
- Maxwell Smart: [Max takes a sip] It's regular. Go ahead, drink it.
- Contact Man: Strict diet... only drink skim...
- Maxwell Smart: Listen 99, just remember this: a coward is a frightened man who's scared to be brave. But a brave man is only a coward who isn't scared to be frightened.
- Maxwell Smart: [# 44 is hanging outside the porthole to Max' cabbin on the Evening Star] Nice to see that you're here backing me up. How far out are we?
- Agent 44: Oh, about twenty miles.
- Maxwell Smart: Oh, how can you tell?
- Agent 44: Well this is my fifth trip, you get so you can recognize the signs.
- [a wave crashes over him]
- Agent 44: The temperature of the water, the kind of seagulls, the number of fish around.
- Maxwell Smart: Oh, are there fish around?
- Agent 44: Sure, take a look.
- [scoops over so Max can look out the porthole to see a couple of menacing fins sticking out of the water]
- Maxwell Smart: Oh yes, I see them. Quite a bit of them, too. What are they?
- Agent 44: Sharks.
- [Max does a double take]
- Agent 44: There's nothing to worry about. There just waiting around for something to eat.
- Maxwell Smart: Like what?
- Agent 44: Like me.
- Maxwell Smart: You know Chief, I'll never forget the sound that killer made when he walked away. I'll recognize it immediately the next time I hear it.
- Chief: What was it like, Max?
- Maxwell Smart: Well it was a kind of a clip-clop clip-clop.
- Chief: Like a man with a special shoe?
- Parker: Or a man walking with a cane?
- Maxwell Smart: Or a man with very loose dentures.
- # 99: [86 and 99 spot a third person making the same suspicious noise] He makes that clip-clop noise too.
- Maxwell Smart: Yes. If this keeps up, that clip-clop noise is gonna to make the top of the charts.
- Maxwell Smart: [speaking on his gun-phone] 99, I'm gonna have to hang up now. I may have to fire my phone.
- # 99: [sticking her head out a porthole] Maaaaaaaax! Where are you?
- Maxwell Smart: I'm down here, 99!
- # 99: Where Max?
- Maxwell Smart: In the water!
- # 99: What do you want me to do, Max?
- Maxwell Smart: Have you got the Control files handy?
- # 99: They're in my cabin!
- Maxwell Smart: Get them!
- # 99: [goes inside for a moment] I've got them!
- Maxwell Smart: Look up my record!
- # 99: Right here, Max, what do you want to know?
- Maxwell Smart: [struggling to stay afloat] Did I pass the Control swimming test?
- # 99: [looks it up] Noooooooo!
- # 99: [speaking to Max by Revolver Phone] What's happening, Max?
- Maxwell Smart: [on the fog-shrouded deck of the ship] Well, I can see a light.
- # 99: What is it?
- Maxwell Smart: Well, it must be the bridge. I can just barely make out someone standing up there.
- # 99: That must be Captain Groman.
- Maxwell Smart: Uh huh. Well, now there's someone standing right next to him.
- # 99: That must be Captain Groman's Oriental servant.
- Maxwell Smart: So *that's* Groman's Chinese.
- Parker: [describing the layout of the ship Max is due to travel on] Well, the Evening Star's cargo is divided into two compartments. In this compartment, there are about 900 tons of bananas.
- [his expression becomes serious]
- Parker: Oh, boy. If this wall in between the bananas and the other compartment ever breaks down, there'll be real trouble.
- Maxwell Smart: Why? What's in the other compartment?
- Parker: 3,000 monkeys.
- Maxwell Smart: 3,000 monkeys?
- [Parker nods]
- Maxwell Smart: Now, wait a minute, Professor Parker. How many bananas would that be to a monkey?
- Parker: Oh, well, it would depend on how hungry each monkey would be and...
- Maxwell Smart: Well, wouldn't it also depend upon how large the bananas were?
- [Parker nods in agreement]
- Maxwell Smart: Then if the monkeys...
- Chief: [breaking in] Gentlemen, forget about the monkeys!
- Parker: [discussing how Max will be contacted] Possibly with this.
- [He stands, holding out a gun]
- Maxwell Smart: Oh, well, I certainly hope the message doesn't reach me.
- Parker: Oh, this is no ordinary gun, Smart. This is a very cleverly disguised radio telephone. Here, let me show you.
- [He passes the gun to Max and picks up another one]
- Parker: What's the number on your handle?
- Maxwell Smart: 652.
- Parker: [breaking open his gun and dialling into the bullet chamber] Okay. Six... five... two.
- Maxwell Smart: [his gun starts ringing] Well, what happens now?
- Parker: Break it and talk into the handle.
- Maxwell Smart: [he does so] Hello?
- Parker: [cheerfully] Hello!
- Maxwell Smart: Oh, is that you, Parker?
- Parker: Yes, indeed. Is that you, Smart?
- Maxwell Smart: Yes. How have you been?
- Parker: Oh, just fine, just fine, and you?
- Maxwell Smart: Oh, pretty good, pretty good. Certainly is nice talking to you. Listen, Parker, there's a question I'd like to ask you.
- Parker: Shoot.
- Maxwell Smart: Now...
- [he does a double-take about what Parker's just said]
- Maxwell Smart: Now about the bananas. If each monkey...
- Chief: [who's been watching them with increasing impatience] Gentlemen, you're doing it again! Let's get on with the briefing!
- Maxwell Smart: [Both Max and Parker look rather put out by the Chief spoiling their fun] Right, Chief. Parker, there's one thing that bothers me. This makes an awfully loud ring. What if you want to phone someone quietly?
- Parker: Well, use your silencer.