- Maxwell Smart: Alma, you wanna get in that converence room. Give me one good reason why I should let you in.
- Alma Sutton: Here's one.
- [points the Electro-Retrogressor Gun at him]
- Maxwell Smart: Wanna try for two out of three?
- Maxwell Smart: The Chief would have been here himself to welcome you, but I'm sure that he'll join us... eh... as soon as he's had his nap.
- [realizing he said too much]
- Delegate #1: His nap?
- Maxwell Smart: Eh... N.A.P. National Area Program reports
- [rolls eyes with relief]
- Maxwell Smart: As agent in charge of internal security, I can give you my personal assurance that everything is under perfect control.
- Maxwell Smart: [an alarm goes off as a sign reading 'Emergency' flashes red, a sign reading 'Security' blue and a sign reading 'Danger' yellow] Eh, would you settle for almost perfect?
- Maxwell Smart: [peeking around a corner at a organ grinder and his monkey] Recognize him?
- Agent 99: Yes! That's Agent 17. Wow, what a disguise! Shall we question him now?
- Maxwell Smart: No, not now, the organ grinder is watching him too closely.
- Maxwell Smart: [acting as temporary Chief of Control] Hodgkins, I want the officer responsible for internal security in here on the double.
- Hodgkins: You're the internal security officer.
- Maxwell Smart: Fast work, Hodgkins.
- Chief of Control: [about the Cone of Silence] You know this thing doesn't work, why do you always insist on using it?
- Maxwell Smart: Well, for one thing, it's 20 degrees cooler inside.
- Professor Windish: [about his Electro-Retrogressor Gun] This is it. One of the most incredible of my many incredible inventions.
- Chief of Control: Because of the excellence of your work in protecting those men in the conference room, we've decided to give you this certificate of meritorious service.
- Maxwell Smart: Oh gosh, Chief, I don't know what to say.
- Chief of Control: Don't say anything, Max. Just read it over... and then destroy it.
- Maxwell Smart: Destroy it?
- Chief of Control: This is a secret organization.