- Maxwell Smart: [Max has climbed up through a trap door in a closet] 99, you wouldn't believe what they've got up here on the second floor.
- Agent 99: What is it?
- Maxwell Smart: A second floor closet.
- Agent 99: Don't tell me it has a self-locking door?
- Maxwell Smart: It has a self-locking door.
- Agent 99: [mimicking Max] I asked you not to tell me that.
- 99's Mother: Nice to see you again, Mr. Clark.
- Chief: Thank you. This is Mr. Larabee, he's a buyer from out-of-town.
- 99's Mother: Oh really, what town?
- Larabee: I don't know, yet.
- Chief: [about Simon the Likeable] That man is the most ruthless, cunning, evil and treacherous KAOS agent in the entire world. And a heck of a nice guy.
- Internship Doctor: [witnessing a big fight in the hospital lobby] You know, I don't think I'll complete my full internship in this hospital. Not if they make you go down to the lobby and get your own patients.
- Chief: [about to place Simon the Likeable under arrest] Sir, it is my duty to inform you that...
- Simon the Likeable: [oozing with charm & likeability] Yes?
- Chief: [holds up his wallet] Eh, do you have a picture of yourself that would fit in this wallet?