- George Lopez: [whispering at the PTA meeting] How many candy bars does Max have to sell?
- Angie Lopez: 200.
- George Lopez: How many has he sold?
- Angie Lopez: 10.
- George Lopez: WE BOUGHT 10.
- George Lopez: [at the PTA meeting] They know we want cookies, but they hold them till the end, they're evil. I'm going in, Angie, cover me.
- Angie Lopez: [one of the PTA moms] She was taking a box of canned goods to give to the homeless and she said 'Why don't I just cut out the middleman? Happy Thanksgiving'
- George Lopez: OOOH! Mini raviolis!
- Angie Lopez: You're missing the point, George, they think we're broke because we can't afford to send Max on his field trip.
- George Lopez: Angie, she's just kidding.
- Angie Lopez: I thought so too, then I told her how much I liked her sweater, and she GAVE it to me!
- [pulls it out]
- Angie Lopez: With a 20 in each pocket!
- [takes out $20 bill]
- George Lopez: [suspiciously] Where's the other one?
- Benny: [all dolled up to meet a guy] I'm going down to the Home Depot and act like I don't know nothing.
- George Lopez: Good luck, Mrs. Doubtfire!
- George Lopez: Angie, those people don't know what poor is. Poor is a mother buying 1 churro for 9 kids, telling them 'Lick it and pass it, lick it and pass it, take a bite and see what happens, lick it and pass it' then flips it over, 'Lick it and pass it, why you crying?'
- George Lopez: [refusing to hand over the check to Debbie] Nobody NEEDS to see a space shuttle launch!
- Angie Lopez: Give her the check and I'll buy you a churro!
- Max Lopez: It's only $500! You spend money on stuff you don't need all the time! Like, why does Mom need a car? She doesn't have a job!
- George Lopez: Whoa!
- [looks at Angie, sees her scowling, turns back scowling at Max]
- George Lopez: Don't ever talk like that again.
- Max Lopez: This sucks!
- [storms out]
- George Lopez: Hey!
- Angie Lopez: He's right, George, this does suck, and don't even THINK about selling my car.
- George Lopez: Really, Angie, where do you go? The store?
- [she glares at him]
- George Lopez: I'm kidding! You're already mad!
- George Lopez: [to Angie at the PTA meeting] What do they want from us? They had a bake sale for books, a walk-a-thon for computers and what about that silent auction?
- Angie Lopez: That was for equipment for the hearing impaired.
- George Lopez: No one else saw the irony in that.
- Amy: [after setting her arm on fire] I hope I don't need another graft, I'm almost out of butt skin.
- George Lopez: Hey Max, want to play some catch with me?
- Max Lopez: Sure, I don't have anywhere to go, like FLORIDA!
- George Lopez: Look, Max, sometimes when you know something's wrong, you have to stand up against it, even if it makes you own son mad at you.
- Max Lopez: You know? Grandma has a lot of money in her bra.
- George Lopez: You're missing the point, and NEVER go in there, even if you think you see gold.
- Angie Lopez: [after she and Max were selling chocolate bars] We only made 75 bucks.
- George Lopez: That's it? Did you go to the rich neighborhoods and do that gang thing I taught you?
- Angie Lopez: It didn't work.
- George Lopez: [to Max] Show me how you did it.
- [knocks on the table]
- Max Lopez: Hello, I am an at-risk youth. If you buy these delicious chocolate bars, it can help keep me off the street and ensure your future safety.
- [in a serious tone]
- Max Lopez: Please, don't let me make you a statistic.
- [smiles]
- George Lopez: How can that not work?
- Angie Lopez: Well, it didn't.
- George Lopez: Wait. Where'd you park the SUV?
- Angie Lopez: Out front.
- [sighs]
- Angie Lopez: Stupid, stupid, stupid.