- Philip Banks: [to Will] No sex before marriage.
- William 'Will' Smith: Come on, Uncle Phil. It's the 90's.
- Philip Banks: Take a cold shower.
- William 'Will' Smith: I've been doing that since the 80's. It don't work no more.
- William 'Will' Smith: Hey, Uncle Phil, can I talk to you for a second?
- Philip Banks: Do you have to?
- William 'Will' Smith: Come on, Uncle Phil, this is serious, man. I need to talk to you about, uh... cars.
- Philip Banks: Cars?
- [realizing what Will means]
- Philip Banks: Oh, cars! Well, I guess it's about time that you and I started talking about... uh, cars. Oh, no! This car isn't in trouble, is it?
- William 'Will' Smith: Oh, no, no, no, no. Never been off the lot as far as I can tell.
- Philip Banks: Look, Will, driving is serious business. Now, these days you got to think about safety. You never want to go for a ride in your care without your seatbelt and uh, use your breaks, don't floor it. Because then you throw a rod, you flood your carburetor, you crack your block. Do you understand what I am saying?
- William 'Will' Smith: No, man.
- William 'Will' Smith: [looking in a mirror] Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Jean Claude Van Damn, I'm fine!
- Geoffrey: [hands flowers to Aunt Viv] Here you are, Madam. I am guessing they're not from me. I haven't put out in years.
- Phillip Banks: No sex before marriage, Will.
- Will: Come on, Uncle Phil. This is the 90's.
- Phillip Banks: Try a cold shower.
- Will: I've been doing that since the 80's. It don't work no more.
- [after Philip reads Vivian the card that came with the flowers he gave her]
- William 'Will' Smith: [takes the card] Uncle Phil, Trevor sent these flowers. They're for Hilary.
- Philip Banks: [takes the card and rips it up] Not anymore.
- William 'Will' Smith: Uncle Phil... you lied to your woman!
- [pause]
- William 'Will' Smith: My man, give it up top.
- [They hi-five]
- Philip Banks: I'm not going to punish you, Will.
- William 'Will' Smith: ...You know, that's radical, Uncle Phil, but it just might work.
- Philip Banks: I'm not going to punish you today. Maybe not even tomorrow. You see, I need to think a long, long time about just what I'm going to do to you. I don't know, if might come to me in the middle of the night, or maybe next week, or a few years from now. In the meantime, why don't you worry about it? Be afraid, Will.
- [seizes Will by his lapel and pulls him close]
- Philip Banks: Be *very* afraid.
- [He releases Will and goes upstairs, laughing evilly]