- Carlton Banks: If it looks like a duck, smells like a duck, and acts like a duck, what is it?
- William 'Will' Smith: Your prom date.
- William 'Will' Smith: Aahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
- Carlton Banks: Oh, God. What happened?
- William 'Will' Smith: We've been robbed.
- Hilary Banks: Oh, my God. What did they take?
- Carlton Banks: Well don't blame yourself, big guy. Blame Will. He should have told you when Luther stole his baseball.
- Philip Banks: What baseball?
- William 'Will' Smith: [in Hispanic accent] What baseball? Well, baseball game where man with stick hit ball and run. Sorta like this.
- [tries to run past Uncle Phil but he manages to grab Will]
- Philip Banks: Hold it! You mean to tell me that Luther stole your Willie Mays and you didn't tell me about it?
- Philip Banks: Well, I suppose we all learned a lesson from this.
- William 'Will' Smith: Yeah, don't work for you.
- Carlton Banks: Well, what do you want me to do? Go up to Luther and say, "Hey, mister. Can I have my baseball back? And please don't snap my neck like a twig."
- Cop: Well, according to him, he's sick and tired of getting you bagels, it's not his job to iron your robes and he said you unfairly accused him of calling 1-900-HORNY.
- Carlton Banks: [in denial] The man is obviously deviant.
- William 'Will' Smith: Man, I wish Luther was here, 'cuz if he were I'd... scream like a girl! Uncle Phil! Luther's in the house!
- Luther: Yeah! Diggin' with my bad self!