Frasier (TV Series)
The Matchmaker (1994)
Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane
Photos
Quotes
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[Frasier tries to comfort Daphne who's unhappy with her love life]
Frasier : I know how bleak these times can be, but believe me, they will come to an end sometime or later. I remember a time back in Boston, I was going through exactly what you're going through now. Just a week later I met a lovely barmaid, sophisticated if a bit loquacious. We fell madly in love and we got engaged... 'course, she left me standing at the altar. But the point is, I didn't give up. I took my poor battered heart and handed it to Lilith... who put it in her little Cuisinart and hit the purée button. But I rebounded! And look how far I've come. I'm divorced, lonely, and living with my father.
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Frasier : [on Daphne] She's just having trouble finding men.
Roz : [whips out her little black book] Say no more!
Frasier : No, Roz, Roz, it's really not necessary. You do not have to donate one of your boyfriends to Daphne.
Roz : Oh, come on, I'd be happy to.
Frasier : But still, one hates to break up a collection.
[Niles brings coffees]
Roz : Oh, here we go! Sven Bachman, he's an aerobics instructor.
Frasier : I don't think so.
Roz : Oh, this one's perfect! Gunther Dietrich. He's loads of fun, and he's a runway model.
Frasier : A German narcissist. Now there's an appealing combination.
Roz : Okay, okay, I'll keep looking.
Niles : Looking for what?
Roz : I'm helping Frasier find a man for Daphne.
Niles : What?
Roz : Here we go! He's a tennis instructor, and his name is Brick.
Niles : Dear God, Frasier - Sven, Gunther, Brick? Why not just lather Daphne up with baby oil and hurl her over the wall of a prison yard?
Roz : Excuse me, but I've dated all these guys.
Niles : Well, where do you think I came up with the imagery?
Roz : [furious] Listen, you little titmouse...!
Frasier : All right! Niles, you are completely out of line here. And Roz, he does have a point. You and Daphne are entirely different kinds of women. While Daphne is very shy and inexperienced, you are more... well, a lot more... well, actually it's hard to find anyone who's more...
Roz : Oh, I get it! Not one man I've ever dated is good enough for Miss Daphne, is that what you're trying to say?
Frasier : No, it's what I'm trying not to say, and you're not making it very easy.
Roz : [getting up] Oh, I'm out of here.
Frasier : Oh, Roz, please wait.
Roz : [storming out] Oh no, I can't stay, the FLEET IS IN!
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Frasier : Just keep in mind, Tom is just a co-worker who's coming by for a pleasant little dinner. If some sparks should ignite, then fine, but there is no pressure, absolutely no pressure... is that what you're wearing?
Daphne Moon : Why, what's wrong with it?
Frasier : Don't you have something with a little more oomph? Oh, what about that, that strapless number you have?
Daphne Moon : Do you have any idea how uncomfortable a strapless bra is?
Frasier : Well, thanks to my fraternity days, as a matter of fact I do.
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Frasier : [after the fire alarm has gone off, Eddie bounds into the room carrying a pack of cigarettes] I see, what have we here? Eddie, you've been smoking in Daphne's bedroom. Bad Dog!
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Niles : There's something I have to tell you. Dad wanted to, but I won the coin toss.
Frasier : Yes, what is it?
Niles : Well, I had a little chat with Tom in the kitchen, and he told me he's interested in pursuing a romantic relationship, BUT the object of his affections is not Daphne.
Frasier : Damn that Roz!
Niles : No, no. It's YOU.
Frasier : Me? That's impossible. Tom's not gay.
Niles : He seems to be under that impression.
Frasier : Well... what on earth could have made him think that I was interested in him? All I did was ask him if he was attached, and then we talked about the theater, and men's fashions - oh, my god. Niles, do you realize what this means?
Niles : Yes, you're dating your boss. You, of all people, should know the pitfalls of an office relationship.
Frasier : Yes, but you know, he didn't say anything. He just never mentioned the fact that...
Niles : I'll call you tomorrow, but not too early, of course.
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Daphne Moon : Does he ask permission first? Oh no, he just barges in and says he's set me up with God-knows-who, and I'm supposed to turn cartwheels like I'm bloody Cinderella.
Frasier : Will you please relax? Look, I told you, this is not a set-up. Tom doesn't even know you'll be here.
Daphne Moon : Oh, an ambush then. Much nicer! My girlfriends in Manchester used to set me up all the time. And it was always some gangly bounder with a boarding-house reach. And he wasn't going for the Coleman's Hot Mustard, if you know what I mean.
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Frasier : Tom, I'd like you to meet Daphne. Daphne this is Tom Duran.
Tom Duran : [shaking hands] Pleasure to meet you.
Daphne Moon : Likewise. Oh, Dr. Crane, you didn't take his coat!
Frasier : Oh, sorry.
Daphne Moon : May I?
[Tom turns around. As Daphne takes his coat, she turns to Frasier and mouths, "HE'S GORGEOUS! THANK YOU, THANK YOU!"]
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Frasier : And this concludes our test of the Emergency Broadcast System. Had this been a real emergency, your radio would be melting in your hands.