- Frasier: [to Niles] Whenever I feel envious about your IQ again, I'll just conjure up an image of you sprawled out on a bed of live Koi, weeping and desperately trying to revive that little plastic diver.
- Frasier: Don't you remember the time you lost your tricycle? She actually took mine away from me and gave it to you.
- Dr. Niles Crane: That was for your own good. No eight year old should be riding a tricycle.
- Frasier: Well, congratulations. I doff my hat to you, Mr. 131.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Higher.
- Frasier: What do you mean, higher? Mom told us we were two points apart.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Apparently, Mom was being tactful.
- Daphne: Have a good time. Don't spend too much.
- Martin: Oh, don't worry about that. I've got a whole system worked out where I can get everything I want for the minimum bid.
- Frasier: Dad, it's hardly in the spirit of the evening. We're raising money for the Kelly Ann Grunther Foundation.
- Martin: Oh, baloney. You just want to go there so you can hob-nob with all your snooty friends.
- Frasier: Oh, that is not true.
- Martin: Oh, yeah? Well, then answer me one question: just who is Kelly Ann Grunther?
- Frasier: Kelly Ann Grunther is... the person... responsible for the Kelly Ann Grunther Foundation.
- Martin: Well, what does that mean?
- Frasier: Well, I guess she's just a very wealthy person that put up a lot of money, right?
- Roz Doyle: I thought she had some kind of disease?
- Dr. Niles Crane: I always thought she was a scientist doing research.
- Martin: So, in other words, it could have been called...
- [looks at Eddie]
- Martin: the Eddie Eddie-mund Foundation, as long as there was fancy food on silver platters.
- Frasier: Good luck to you, Niles. You know, they say Quinn is very witty. In nuclear physics, he is referred to as "the half-life of the party."
- [on Frasier and Niles]
- Martin: Oh, they've always tried to one-up each other.
- Daphne: I suppose all brothers are like that. Mine certainly were. Everything was a contest! Who could the run the fastest, jump the highest. They even had this strange one where they'd take little brother Michael, put him in a potato sack and see who could roll him the farthest over the frozen lake out back. They loved that game! Until that year the spring thaw set in early and poor Michael went right through the ice. Ooh, they caught hell for that one, they did. Caught it worse a week later when Michael's toe finally fell off. Michael cried and cried until they told him to put it under his pillow for the toe fairy! And then when he got five quid for it, why it was all they could do to stop him from sawing off the rest of them!
- [laughs]
- Frasier: Niles, why don't you just go home and go to bed?
- Dr. Niles Crane: [slurred] Well, that is exactly what you'd like for me to be happening.
- Frasier: What did you just say?
- Dr. Niles Crane: Well, if you didn't repeat it the first time, I'm not gonna listen to it.
- Frasier: I'm going to have to make myself a nice thermos full of coffee and get down to that library.
- Martin: Oh Frasier, what do you think you're gonna learn in one night?
- Frasier: Just enough to ask some informed questions, Dad. I may not have a 156 IQ, but I'm a quick study. Daphne, is there something wrong with this coffee pot?
- Daphne: You have to plug it in!
- Frasier: Well there, you won't have to tell me that again!
- Dr. Niles Crane: Dad, do you know what our IQs are?
- Martin: No, but I got a pretty good idea at that auction tonight.
- Martin: Hey, Daph.
- Daphne: Hey. Have a good time at the auction?
- Martin: Oh yeah, I got a great new barbecue: the Windsor-monic 2000. I wonder if they name it that because that's the one the Royal Family uses.
- Daphne: Oh, I'm sure it is. That's actually the new postage stamp in England: Her Majesty with a pair of barbecue tongs and a sauce brush!
- Dr. Niles Crane: [looking at the monitor on Daphne's computer] What is this, Daphne?
- Daphne: I'm chatting online with Donny. Oh, what's he saying?
- Dr. Niles Crane: Uh, "I can't wait to come home and see my wittle Engwish cwumpet." Apparently he has some sort of typing impediment.
- Dr. Niles Crane: [about Martin's barbecue grill on the balcony] I'm surprised you let him keep that out there.
- Frasier: Oh well, it's a bit of an eyesore, and frankly kind of a fire hazard. But what the hell? It makes him happy.
- Dr. Niles Crane: You lodged an anonymous complaint with the building, didn't you?
- Frasier: It'll be gone by Thursday.
- Frasier: Niles, you know what, you should leave. You're embarrassing yourself, for God's sakes.
- Dr. Niles Crane: I'm never leaving while you're still... not leaving. You know you had the good bed.
- Frasier: Well, now you're just hallucinating.
- Dr. Niles Crane: When we moved to Wallace Lane and we shared a room and you got to pick where you would be to having your... sleeping.
- Frasier: [Niles puts his left elbow in the butter] Niles, the beds were identical. Oh, why am I even bothering, explaining this to a man who has his elbow in the butter!
- Dr. Niles Crane: [Looking at his right elbow] Well, who's hallucinationing now?