- [shouting out the door]
- Vivian Buchanan: Lyndon! P.J.! Stop it! I'm warning you! If you misbehave in church, Jesus won't love you anymore!
- [to her sisters-in-law]
- Vivian Buchanan: Please don't tell anyone I said that.
- [Looking through a photo album]
- Mother Emma Buchanan: That's one of me when I was young.
- Bree Buchanan: Why is it so blurry?
- Vivian Buchanan: They had just invented film.
- [Introducing his fiancé, Bree]
- Jesse Buchanan: Isn't she great? I met her on vacation last month at Disneyland. She worked there.
- Alexandria 'Alex' Buchanan: Somehow I sensed that.
- Alexandria 'Alex' Buchanan: That woman would qualify for sainthood if weren't for one tiny little thing.
- Bree Buchanan: What's that?
- Alexandria 'Alex' Buchanan: She's a bitch.
- Mother Emma Buchanan: Oh my stars! Delilah, is that you?
- Delilah Buchanan: Of course it's me...
- Mother Emma Buchanan: Well, I scarcely recognized you under all that make-up!
- Delilah Buchanan: She implied that I wear too much make-up.
- Vivian Buchanan: Well actually, Delilah, three layers of base is probably sufficient.
- [Mother Buchanan emerges from the bathroom]
- Alexandria 'Alex' Buchanan: That was awfully quick.
- Mother Emma Buchanan: I changed my mind. Obviously, you didn't get a chance to clean in there. I'll just wait 'til I get to a Texaco.
- [Opening her shower gift]
- Bree Buchanan: Oh my gosh! It's a microwave!
- Mother Emma Buchanan: My friend, Beverly Davis - she got one just like it. Within a month, she was dead. Draw your own conclusion.