- Ralph Filthy: Your hon, your hon, loobie, darling, sweetheart, please don't shout. I have a delicate medical condition known as a hangover.
- Edward Catflap: You try and get my wallet out of my pocket without me noticing.
- Richard Rich: All right, Skip. Shouldn't be too difficult, you got hit by a bus last week and didn't notice, did you?
- Edward Catflap: Yeah, well, I had a lot on my mind.
- Richard Rich: You would do with a bus on your head, wouldn't you?
- Edward Catflap: Ha ha, brilliant joke, Richie.
- Ralph Filthy: God, I'm ill. Prison does not agree with me. This morning I coughed so hard, I blew my kidney out my backside.
- Ralph Filthy: This is no time to mince with words, Eddie. We must be honest. Richie is a lying, cheating, vicious right-wing bastard with the sexual sophistication of a mentally-retarded donkey. Which means, you are ideally suited to be...
- Richard Rich: [disgusted] A journalist?
- Ralph Filthy: Yeah.
- Ralph Filthy: You mean...
- [puts on his hat]
- Ralph Filthy: join the scum?
- Edward Catflap: Become a journo?
- Ralph Filthy: Yes.
- Edward Catflap: What shall we do for an encore, Filthy, set fire to a hospital?
- Dingo Wucker: How many more times do I have to tell people, I'm not interested in women over 25 unless they are lovable grannies. Now don't argue with me about this. I see our whole Budget coverage as a six-tit story, maybe even seven.
- Edward Catflap: Seven tits?
- Dingo Wucker: Yeah, profile shot, very tasteful.
- Edward Catflap: Richie?
- Richard Rich: What?
- Edward Catflap: I think there's something rather unpleasant on your trouser area.
- Richard Rich: What is it?
- Edward Catflap: My head.
- [headbutts Richie's groin]
- Richard Rich: Oh, bloody hell, that hurt, Eddie! Oh ow, now that really hurt! That reall...
- Edward Catflap: I must say, that was a lot harder than I was expecting.
- Edward Catflap: [thinking up a tabloid headline for Richie] Sex, drinks, nightclubs!
- Richard Rich: I've got it: Richie has some sex and a drink in a nightclub.
- Edward Catflap: No, no. What about: Richie has sex with a knight while drunk in a club?
- Richard Rich: Good, good. What about: Richie gets put in the club by a drunk during the night?