- Steve Urkel: You know, Waldo, I've had the pleasure of meeting most of your family: your sisters, Quesadilla and Noxima, your cousins, Doofus and Bobaloba-Ding-Dong, but I don't believe I've ever had the pleasure of meeting your Aunt Velveeta.
- Waldo Geraldo Faldo: She's married to my Uncle Jalapeño. They have twin boys: Nacho and Gary.
- Eddie Winslow: Gary?
- Waldo Geraldo Faldo: Yeah, there's something odd about him.
- Eddie Winslow: The game is 8-9.
- Steve Urkel: And for those of you who are mathematically challenged, that means we're ahead by *one* basket!
- Phil Hallenbeck: So what can I do for you, Carl?
- Carl Winslow: Well, Phil, Laura got accepted into Harvard.
- Phil Hallenbeck: Laura? That little girl who'd sit on my desk while I made out a pretend check for a million dollars?
- Carl Winslow: Yeah, now I need a real one.
- Phil Hallenbeck: How much do you need?
- Carl Winslow: Well we need $20,000 a year for the next four years.
- Phil Hallenbeck: Well you've always been a good credit risk, let's take a look.
- [checks computer]
- Phil Hallenbeck: You already took out one loan two years ago.
- Carl Winslow: Oh yeah, that was for Eddie's tuition.
- Phil Hallenbeck: And you have a mortgage.
- Carl Winslow: That pesky thing.
- Phil Hallenbeck: You've got a good credit score, some savings... but not enough collateral.
- Carl Winslow: What if I throw in Harriette?
- Phil Hallenbeck: I'm sorry, Carl. I could probably get you a couple thousand.
- Carl Winslow: [stunned] Well, Phil, that... that's not nearly enough.
- Phil Hallenbeck: What about financial aid?
- Carl Winslow: Well we looked into that... and the ironic part is, we make too much for Laura to qualify for financial aid.
- Phil Hallenbeck: And you don't make enough for a loan. I'm sorry, Carl, I wish there was something I could do.
- Carl Winslow: [in disbelief] Laura's wanted to go to Harvard all her life, and now that she's been accepted, I have to tell her she can't go.