- Peter Griffin: Lois, this is the best job I've ever had! Hey, since I've become President, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. Hahahahahha.
- Alyssa Milano: What kind of cheap shot? Joel!
- Milano's Lawyer: I'm suing, I'm suing. I'm on it, I'm on it.
- Parking Director: Oh, No need to park here, Mr. Griffin, you have an executive parking space now.
- Peter Griffin: Well... that looks exactly like my old space.
- Parking Director: Yeah, but this one comes with your own company suck up!
- Company Suck Up: Morning, Mr. Griffin! Nice Day!
- Peter Griffin: Ehhh, It's a little cloudy.
- Company Suck Up: Exactly! It's one of the worst days I've seen in years! So, good news about the Yankees!
- Peter Griffin: I hate the Yankees.
- Company Suck Up: Pack of cheaters! That's what they are! I Love your tie!
- Peter Griffin: I hate this tie.
- Company Suck Up: It's awful, it's scotty, it's gotta go.
- Peter Griffin: [pauses] And I hate myself.
- Company Suck Up: I hate you, too! You make me sick, you fat sack o' crap!
- Peter Griffin: But I'm the President.
- Company Suck Up: The Best There Is!
- Peter Griffin: [Right Away]
- [Points]
- Peter Griffin: But you just said you hated me!
- Company Suck Up: [Begins to jiggle] But. Not. You. The President. That you. Said hated you. Who loved. Hate Yankees. Clouds.
- [Head explodes, sending gadgets and wires everywhere]
- Parking Director: I'll have that fixed for you tomorrow, sir.
- Member of Congress: Cigarettes killed my father... and raped my mother.
- Peter Griffin: [laughing at Dick Armey's name] Hey, Armey, what's your wife's name? Vagina Coast Guard?
- Brian Griffin: [to get out of work to go to a Red Sox game, Peter lies to his boss] Oh, please, Peter, your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs.
- [Peter, Chris, and Meg all gasp]
- Brian Griffin: Too soon?
- [on being President of the tobacco company]
- Peter Griffin: And you won't believe all the perks we're getting!
- Ugly Girl: [to Meg] Hi.
- Meg Griffin: Uhh... can I help you?
- Ugly Girl: Some company hired me to stand next to you all day so you'd look better by comparison.
- Meg Griffin: That's ridiculous! I don't need...
- Boy: Hey Meg, did you get less ugly?
- Meg Griffin: [grabbing onto the ugly girl] Yeah!
- Stewie Griffin: Baby needs to suck ash! BABY NEEDS TO SUCK ASH! Not "ass" you pervert save it for the interns.
- [Peter calls in sick to work]
- Peter Griffin: Mr Weed, I can't come to work today because I was in a terrible plane crash. My family is dead and I am a vegetable. See you tomorrow.
- [Peter gets caught by his boss]
- Peter Griffin: Remember that plane crash I had? It turned out to be gas.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, why would they make you president?
- Peter Griffin: Probably because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second.
- [makes a loud, yelping sound that resembles a dog bark]
- Lois Griffin: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.
- Lois Griffin: I'm so glad you talked us all into playing hooky.
- Peter Griffin: Me, too. Hey, maybe we can get on TV if we take our shirts off and run onto the field.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm not taking my shirt off.
- Peter Griffin: [lifting up Lois's shirt, exposing her bra] There, now they're old news.
- Lois Griffin: [embarrassed, pulling her shirt back down] Peter!
- Chris Griffin: [the family is heading to a Boston Red Sox game] Look at what I made!
- [Chris holds up a 'John 3:16' sign]
- Meg Griffin: What does that mean?
- Brian Griffin: [reading John 3:16 from the bible] And the Lord says, 'Go Sox.'
- [during a smoking conference]
- Stewie: Baby needs to suck ash. Baby needs to suck ash. Not ass, you pervert. Save it for the interns.
- Peter Griffin: [while buttoning his Red Sox jersey] Ah, there's nothing these kids learn in school they can't learn on the street.
- [Cutaway to two guys on the street]
- Street Guy #1: It's 3:00. Where the hell is Louie?
- Street Guy #2: Well, you tell me. Louie left his house at 2:15 and has to travel a distance of 6.2 miles at a rate of 5 miles per hour. What time will Louie arrive?
- Street Guy #1: Depends if he stops to see his ho.
- Street Guy #2: [Tussling the other guy's hair] That's what we call a variable.
- Lois Griffin: My god, it all makes sense now. My baby is some kind of diabolical genius bent on world domination.
- Stewie Griffin: [slow clap] Bravo, Lois. The last waltz finally crosses the finish line.
- Lois Griffin: Stewie! All these months I've should have been paying attention to what you've been saying. You're an evil child. Why? Why did I have to go and smoke pot when I was pregnant with you?
- Stewie Griffin: Cheer up, Mother, you should be proud. You've given birth to the future emperor of the world. Pity you won't be around to enjoy it. Cheerio!
- Lois Griffin: [spins into a deep abyss] Aaaahhh!
- Peter Griffin: Lois! Lois! What's the matter?
- Lois Griffin: [waking] Oh, oh. I had just had the strangest dream. Something about Stewie ... and Cheerios ... huh, it's gone.
- Peter Griffin: Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. Y'know, we've had a lotta laughs tonight, but I'll tell ya what's not funny. Killin' strippers. Strippers are people too. Naked people who may be willing to pleasure you for a price you negotiate later behind a curtain at a VIP room. Besides, there's no need to kill 'em. 'Cause most of them are already dead inside. Goodnight, everyone.