- Robert Barone: [Robert enters the house dressed as Santa Clause] Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Is Ally here? I understand there are doubts about me in this house.
- Ray Barone: There are now. Come on, Robert.
- Robert Barone: No, no. You have me mistaken for some other party. For I am the jolly old St. Nick. Ho, ho, ho! Mom told me what you did. Nice.
- Debra Barone: Hey, Ally look. It's Santa Clause!
- Ray Barone: Oh, God.
- Ally Barone: Santa?
- Robert Barone: Yes! It is really I! And I came to see *you*, Ally because I heard you were a very good girl this year and you're going to get everything you want. Ho, ho, ho!
- [He turns towards Ray]
- Robert Barone: Unlike some other people. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
- Ray Barone: Yeah, hold the ho's. I wanna talk to you for a minute Santa.
- Robert Barone: I'm sorry! I'm with a client. And you may call me Mr. Clause. Ho, ho, ho, ho!
- [Frank runs in also dressed as Santa]
- Frank Barone: Where's Ally? Ho, ho.
- [He sees Robert]
- Frank Barone: Holy crap! What are you doing here?
- Robert Barone: I'm Santa Clause.
- Frank Barone: You're Santa?
- Ray Barone: Alright, alright. Will you guys cut it out? Come on. She's confused enough already.
- Frank Barone: What's there to be confused about? I'm the *real* Santa Clause! Who is *this* imposter?
- Debra Barone: Well, you couldn't both be Santa. You must be... Santa's helpers.
- Frank Barone: Right! He's my helper.
- [to Robert]
- Frank Barone: Hey, helper! Why don't you go warm up the reindeer and bring the sled around?
- Ray Barone: We were cleaning things out this morning and look what I found. Remember this?
- [He hands Frank the Mickey Mantle ball]
- Frank Barone: Hey, look at that! God, I remember when I brought this home for you. What were you, like, ten? You ran all around the neighborhood showing it to the other kids, right?
- Ray Barone: Yeah. So Mickey Mantle really signed it.
- Frank Barone: Who told you that?
- Ray Barone: You. You did!
- Frank Barone: Oh.
- Ray Barone: Wel- wha- what, Mickey Mantle didn't sign this ball? This isn't real?
- Frank Barone: It's a real *ball*.
- [Ray has just learned that his Mickey Mantle autographed baseball may be a fake]
- Debra Barone: You okay, Ray?
- Ray Barone: What if they're right? What if he didn't sign this?
- Debra Barone: Come on, Ray. I don't remember you ever looking at that ball. It's been buried in the closet since we moved here.
- Ray Barone: No, not buried. Tucked away. You don't- you don't get it. Mickey Mantle signed this to me. To Ray. Ray. Then he wishes me luck. *Good* luck. Then he signs it. Mickey Mantle. Look at that. Look how the y in the Ray is the same as the y in Mickey. You know, for one moment the greatest player that I ever saw was thinking about me. I know it sounds stupid but this guy. This guy's the reason that I'm a sportswriter. This guy, this guy's Mickey Mantle.
- Debra Barone: Gee, that's beautiful Ray. It's very passionate. You remember what you said to me when you proposed? "So, how 'bout it?"
- [She rolls her eyes and walks away]
- Debra Barone: Ray, come on. Are you still thinking about that baseball?
- Ray Barone: No. No, I'm thinking about a lot of things now.
- Debra Barone: Like what?
- Ray Barone: Remember that guy that you went out with before me? Eric... Butterpants?
- Debra Barone: Eric Butterman, Ray.
- Ray Barone: Oh, so you *do* remember him!
- Debra Barone: Yeah. What about him?
- Ray Barone: You always said to me that you were glad that he broke up with you otherwise you would've never met me.
- Debra Barone: Yeah, so?
- Ray Barone: So. So, if he had never broken up with you, would you have been gladder?
- Debra Barone: You're really crazy. You know that?
- Ray Barone: No. No, no, no, no. How do I know? How do I know that I'm the one you want to end up with.
- Debra Barone: Here's a hint, Ray. Our three kids!
- Ray Barone: Yeah. Yeah. Our three blonde kids.
- Robert Barone: [Robert and Frank are both dressed as Santa and are trying to convince Ally that the other one is an imposter] I bet you can't even name the reindeer.
- Frank Barone: Oh! Uh, Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen. Uh, those are the main ones. We rotate 'em so they wear evenly. Uh, Cupid. Ajax. And Lefty!
- Robert Barone: Aha! Now we know the truth! Ho, ho, ho!
- [Ally pulls down his beard]
- Ally Barone: It's Uncle Robert.
- Robert Barone: No, no, little one. I have only assumed the body of a life-form that... you would accept.
- Ray Barone: Robert, you're Santa. Not a Klingon.
- Ray Barone: Here, Ma. Debra says thanks for the clothes.
- Frank Barone: What clothes?
- Marie Barone: Oh, it's your junk. Like that ratty moth-eaten gray sweater.
- Frank Barone: Moth-eaten? Marie, I love that sweater. And I don't wanna see any wild-eyed weirdo marching around in *my* clothes.
- Marie Barone: Welcome to my world, Frank.