- Eric Murphy: Did you even get a date yet, Turtle?
- Turtle: Course I got a date. We have to pick her up from the Burbank Airport in one hour.
- Eric Murphy: What is she? A Russian mail order bride?
- Turtle: It'll be like Prom.
- Eric Murphy: So I guess you won't have a date then?
- Turtle: I told you ten thousand fucking times, she had food poisoning.
- Ari Gold: Who's got the number one movie in the country, motherfucker?
- Eric Murphy: We beat the squirrel?
- Ari Gold: Number one live action film in the country!
- Eric Murphy: Name one girl you ever pulled off the internet.
- Turtle: There's all sorts of confidentiality agreements with these sites. I ain't telling you shit!
- Johnny 'Drama' Chase: [re his muscular girlfriend Tanya] She gave me the ride of my life. I just hung on to those lats, surrendered all control.
- Turtle: You know, if I was holdin' onto those lats, I'd think I was fuckin' Evander Holyfield!
- Vincent Chase: [Talking about his new movie] I can't watch myself again.
- Johnny 'Drama' Chase: I love watching myself.
- Eric Murphy: Too bad the audience doesn't.
- Ari Gold: I had video sex with an Ecuadorian girl this morning.
- Eric Murphy: I hope she was 18. Federal offense if not.
- Vincent Chase: [about Drama, after he is late to cook breakfast] He got a girl.
- Eric Murphy: Really, who?
- Turtle: I don't know, he must have ordered in late night. Woke me up at like 4:30. Sounded like a couple of baboons fuckin'.
- Eric Murphy: What time is it?
- Ari Gold: It's time for you to wake the fuck up. I already shot a 72, bitch!
- Eric Murphy: What? On the front 9?
- Ari Gold: Yeah, that's funny, cunty.
- Ari Gold: You fucking my assistant?
- Vincent Chase: Nooooo!
- Ari Gold: Last thing I want to do is fire one of your fuck-buddies. You know that. You know that right?
- Emily: [brought Vince's fan mail] Since you're not doing anything tonight, would you maybe wanna go to dinner with me?
- Eric Murphy: Are you asking me out?
- Emily: I could have sent a messenger with that stuff.
- Joanne: So, Justine, if you lose your virginity, doesn't the whole Pure Tour thing become, like, a sham?
- Justine Chapin: Who said I'm gonna lose my virginity?
- Joanne: Well, Turtle here said that these guys don't even believe you are a virgin.
- Turtle: [eyes on him] I never said that!
- Eric Murphy: [clears throat] Check, please!
- Vincent Chase: [to Eric, re his cool girlfriend Emily] You see, E, that's why I like this girl. Nice, positive attitude.
- Justine Chapin: What about my attitude?
- Vincent Chase: You? Come on, you have the best attitude.
- Joanne: [envious of Justine, rises in disgust] Slut!
- Turtle: Joanne, wait, wait, wait! Vince is my best friend, I love that guy like a brother. But if he doesn't see how special you are...
- Joanne: Nice try, Tortoise.
- [scans the crowd for another celeb beau]
- Joanne: Is that Jason Bateman?
- [zeros in on new target]
- Turtle: What? Oh, get the fuck out of here.
- [takes swig from bottle]
- Justine Chapin: I think I want you to be my first.
- Vincent Chase: Really?
- Justine Chapin: Yeah. But you're gonna have to work for it.
- Vincent Chase: Work? Come on!
- [smiles]
- Vincent Chase: I got into this business so I don't have to work.
- [shakes his head]
- Justine Chapin: [chuckles merrily] You're not ready for this, are you?
- Vincent Chase: I am tonight.
- Justine Chapin: [scoffs, pushes him away] I'm not.
- [sighs]
- Justine Chapin: At least you're honest. And gorgeous.
- [playfully swipes his face]
- Justine Chapin: I'll call you from the road.
- [goodbye kiss]
- Justine Chapin: Oh. Just so you know. Tonight, I would have given you the best head you ever had.
- [goes off]
- Ari Gold: [elated after box office success] No tequila? Tara Reid steal it? We gotta get into it! Come on, we gotta celebrate! Let's go grab a bottle!
- Johnny 'Drama' Chase: [re whereabouts of his aggressive muscular girlfriend] Doing pushups in the men's bathroom, for all I care. I'm done with that girl.