- Cornfed Pig: [trying to deprogram Duckman] Government is a necessary structure to impose on an otherwise unruly society.
- Eric Duckman: No!
- Bernice: People WANT to do good.
- Eric Duckman: No!
- Mambo: Mankind has evolved into a highly intelligent lifeform.
- Eric Duckman: No!
- Ajax: The human body is not for eating.
- Eric Duckman: I can't take it anymore! You're right!
- Cornfed Pig: [later...] All government is corrupt.
- Eric Duckman: No!
- Bernice: People are out to get you.
- Eric Duckman: No!
- Charles: Mankind is a self-destructive species that will kill itself off.
- Eric Duckman: No!
- Ajax: The human body is MOSTLY not for eating.
- Iggy Catalpa: Welcome to the World Domination League, the secret force behind every conspiracy: The death of Elvis, what REALLY happened to Monroe, Hendrix, Morrison.
- Eric Duckman: And... President Kennedy?
- Iggy Catalpa: No actually, that WAS a lone gunman. But everything else was us: The rise of communism, the fall of communism, getting prayers out of schools, getting sex on TV, the way pens don't work in the post office, the Olsen Twins.
- Eric Duckman: Wow! Nothing like being clubbed by a professional. You wake up clear-headed and refreshed, not like those sorority girls who think it's SOOO funny to drop a concrete block on a guy who just spent two hours snaking a periscope through a shower drain.