- Narrator: In the criminal justice system, there are two separate but equally important groups. The police and prosecutors, who apprehend and try the offenders, and the idiotic defendants who take up the court's time with their self-serving blather. These are their stories.
- [Law & Order theme plays]
- Judge: You've shown galling contempt for me, for this court room, and most importantly, for the law, in front of some Malthus High honor students that I invited! What must they think of the law now? What lessons have they...
- Eric Duckman: Uh, judge, FYI, "Singled Out" starts in twenty minutes, and I'm way across town.
- Judge: That's it! I'm making an example of you! I hereby sentence you to 5,000 hours of community service at Malthus High School, starting today! We've adjourned. Bailiff! If he's not gone in fifteen seconds, kill him!
- Eric Duckman: Look at you: Fritterin' away your formative years on "good citizenship" and improving your minds, when you should be out strippin' BMWs and learning the fundamentals of credit card fraud. Eew, "biology"! "Calculus"! Calcu-losers!
- Eric Duckman: I want you kids to follow the simple principles that made this country great. Why did the founding fathers fight for their independence as soon as taxes got too high? Why did we force the Indians onto worthless tracts of land, only to kick 'em off onto even MORE worthless tracts of land as soon as the first drop of crude oil was discovered? And why did our own government trade arms for hostages for narcotics for hostages for arms with the very same drug cartels they're supposed to be fightin'? Anyone?
- [Kevin raises his hand]
- Eric Duckman: Skunk!
- Kevin: Because... the American system may be bad, but it's the best we have?
- Eric Duckman: Quaint notion, but WRONG!
- Black female student: Because... we're keeping the world safe for freely elected demo...
- Eric Duckman: Blah blah blah, whatever you said. Dammit kids, stop thinking rationally and open your eyes! I've GOT to make you kids understand!
- [sighs]
- Luis: Are you saying that the big guns go where the big money sends them, and that afterwards, the dudes that win these wars get to write the cleaned up history we read in these textbooks?
- Eric Duckman: [ding sound effect] Actually, I thought it had something to do with defective breast implants, but your answer's good too.
- Eric Duckman: I don't like people talkin' about me. You're lucky I never hit a lady who makes my Noam Chomsky.
- Black female student: Degrading sexist remark noted.
- Eric Duckman: Ohhh yeah. Who's real now, huh, Dexter? This scene is real gone, baby. I am, into, it all, dig? Oh ho, very hep, very... hep.
- Hispanic female student: ...Do you need a shot of insulin or something?
- Eric Duckman: I don't do that crap. I'm clean. What are YOU into, hmm? Shiners? Boom-booms? Rippos? Calistogan canoe wax? Sinuvian swamp weed? Latter batter? Bud bugs? Spot foxies? Or is... booger sugar your "lady"?