- Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Alan, why don't you call Spunky and offer to buy the material from him?
- Alan Brady: Why don't you shut up and hand me the phone?
- Uncle Spunky, Ritchie Petrie, Laura Petrie: [the Uncle Spunky Oath of Allegiance] "For Crummy Buttons I'll be good; I'll keep my hands real clean; and, if at the store they don't have any more, I promise to make a big scene."
- Rob Petrie: Well, what looks good in the kitchen today, Willie?
- Willie: The chef. He just took a bath.
- Sally Rogers: Hey, Buddy, you know, I got a hunch Alan hasn't been too happy with our scripts the last few months.
- Buddy Sorrell: Come on, he loved 'em.
- Sally Rogers: Yeah? So how come he sent us a Christmas card saying, "A gift in your name has been sent to The Red Skelton writers?"
- Buddy Sorrell: It's just a gag. He's spreadin' a little holiday fear.
- Rob Petrie: I'm going to tell him... first thing tomorrow.
- Sally Rogers: Well why wait till tomorrow?
- Rob Petrie: Because that way we'll all get an extra day's pay before we're fired.