- Rob Petrie: Will you promise me never ever to talk me into talking to anybody again?
- Laura Petrie: I do.
- Rob Petrie: Good.
- Laura Petrie: Now you promise me something.
- Rob Petrie: What?
- Laura Petrie: You'll talk to Roger.
- Laura Petrie: [after reading Roger's love letter] Rob, what are we gonna do?
- Rob Petrie: Before I make any suggestions, how do you feel about HIM?
- Laura Petrie: How are things coming on the track team?
- Roger McChesney: I quit.
- Laura Petrie: After all that training?
- Roger McChesney: Well that was it. I figured it out. In the past 2 years, between practicing and the meets, I ran over 700 miles. Where am I?
- Laura Petrie: What?
- Roger McChesney: It has no meaning. I run around the track and end up in the same place.
- Ritchie Petrie: Benny and I are gonna bury a dead rat.
- Laura Petrie: You found a dead rat?
- Ritchie Petrie: No. We're gonna buy one.
- Laura Petrie: Ritchie, will you please tell me where you can buy a dead rat?
- Ritchie Petrie: Do YOU want one, Mommy?
- Rob Petrie: Oh, you wanna talk about... talk about your girl?
- Roger McChesney: She's not my girlfriend. She never will be. She's unobtainable.
- Rob Petrie: Oh, Roger. There's no such thing as that. You take Mrs. Petrie.
- Roger McChesney: WHAT?
- Rob Petrie: [reading from Roger's letter] "Now that I have sounded the last note, I hope it will linger forever as a tribute to Laura Petrie, the fairest of women. She walks with grace, in beauty, and has a youth and spirit that belies her years."
- Rob Petrie: Honey, you married a very shy, retiring guy. That's all.
- Laura Petrie: Okay, then how come five different girls wore your fraternity pin?
- Rob Petrie: Because none of 'em wanted it, that's why. They kept givin' it to each other. It's like a game. The music stopped, and whoever got Petrie's pin had to go out with him.
- Laura Petrie: When you were 17, you were known as Rapid Robert, the Devil of Danville High.
- Rob Petrie: That name didn't have anything to do with girls.
- Laura Petrie: Your mother said...
- Rob Petrie: I know. My mother said that to scare you, and you know it. She figured you wouldn't want to marry a Casanova. She didn't like you, you know.
- Laura Petrie: I know it.
- Laura Petrie: What about winning?
- Roger McChesney: Winning what? That I got no place faster than another guy.