- Sally Rogers: [to a guest] You want some chopped liver?
- Buddy Sorrell: Sally, will you stop hostessing?
- Sally Rogers: All right. I'm out of it.
- Mel Cooley: I am, too.
- [to Sally]
- Mel Cooley: I'll eat your liver.
- Rob Petrie: What're you laughin' at?
- Laura Petrie: I just got a picture of you standing on the lawn screaming like a chicken.
- Sally Rogers: Well, you just ruined my coffee.
- Buddy Sorrell: And I don't think you're gonna be too choked up about what happened to your prune danish, either.
- Rob Petrie: I brought a little peace offering. There you are. All for you, Mrs. Jelly's donuts. They're all yours.
- Buddy Sorrell: You think I'm going to open that box?
- Rob Petrie: Buddy, I told you last night. I'm not going to do anything, honest, I mean it.
- Buddy Sorrell: I don't believe you.
- Rob Petrie: Alright.
- [opens box]
- Rob Petrie: What are those?
- Sally Rogers: Jelly donuts.
- Buddy Sorrell: They look like jelly donuts, but they're probably full of Chinese mustard.
- Rob Petrie: Oh boy. Alright, I'll prove it to you
- [picks up a donut and takes a bite]
- Rob Petrie: Delicious.
- Buddy Sorrell: Sure, that's the good one. The other two got the poison in them.
- Rob Petrie: Sal, would you test one for the king, please?
- Sally Rogers: Going off my diet for you, but okay.
- [picks up a donut and takes a bite]
- Sally Rogers: Mmm, very good.
- Rob Petrie: There.
- Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, those two are alright, that one's the poison one.
- Rob Petrie: Boy-oh-boy, alright, see
- [picks up the last donut and takes a bite]
- Rob Petrie: Delicious. Now, am I your friend?
- Buddy Sorrell: What kind of friend are you? You bring me three jelly donuts and you eat 'em yourself.
- Sally Rogers: Don't you know that wiretapping is illegal?
- Phil Franklin: Ahh!
- Buddy Sorrell: Well, if you don't turn us in, nobody'll know.
- [holding a fake copy of Buddy's tax returns]
- Phil Franklin: [to Buddy] Just a reasonable facsimile, and I didn't help anybody. I got you myself, for myself!
- Rob Petrie: [shouting] I THINK I MUST HAVE BROKEN SOMETHING...!
- [no longer shouting]
- Rob Petrie: Oh, I think I broke my spleen.
- Buddy Sorrell: ...I got a treat for everybody.
- Mel Cooley: Oh, you're going home?
- Buddy Sorrell: Mel, I forgot you were here. Now we can play pin the tail on the donkey.
- Laura Petrie: [entering to find Rob blowing on the bottom of their telephone] What are you doing now?
- Rob Petrie: Uh, blowing on the phone, honey.
- Buddy Sorrell: Come on, let's be fair. If I know something's coming, I'll worry, but if I don't know, I'll go nuts.
- Rob Petrie: [smiling, with a smirk] Oh?
- Sally Rogers: Congratulations, General Custer. You just sold some guns to the Indians.
- Rob Petrie: In the meantime, would you try to convince Mr. Fear here he has nothing to fear but himself.
- [Buddy Sorrell asks Phil Franklin to call Rob Petrie's telephone number, to start a prank phone call. After Phil calls Rob answers, but asks the caller to stay on hold, temporarily]
- Phil Franklin: Is this New Rochelle-6-9970?
- Rob Petrie: Yes. Who is this?