- Rob Petrie: [locked up with prisoners who won't back him up] You're gonna get in trouble.
- Harry Tinker: [mockingly] Hey. Yeah, you know, they might put us in jail.
- Rob Petrie: Wait a minute. You mean y-you want me to entertain here?
- Boxer Morrison: Why, sure. You guys on TV is always saying "Thanks for letting us into your living room." Well, we're letting you into OUR livin' room.
- Harry Tinker: And we ain't going to let you out.
- Buddy Sorrell: [in prison] Hey, girls, be careful where you sit down. Be sure the chairs ain't plugged in.
- Buddy Sorrell: Hey, why don't you stay in longer, you know, after your term is up?
- Lyle Delp: What for?
- Buddy Sorrell: Build up a credit in case they nab ya again.
- Rob Petrie: Incidentally, Lyle, what kind of an audience are these guys?
- Lyle Delp: Captive - the best audience in the world.
- Lyle Delp: Well, ya see, uh... we-we haven't had a show here in several months, eh-heh.
- Buddy Sorrell: Gee, I thought you had one every week.
- Lyle Delp: Well, we... we do, you see, but, uh, the warden had to postpone the last one, uh, because of the riot.
- Rob Petrie: The riot?
- Lyle Delp: Well, eh-heh, it wasn't exactly a riot. It was sort of a... a difference of opinion, eh-heh... with injuries.
- Buddy Sorrell: What was the riot about?
- Lyle Delp: They didn't like the last show.
- Rob Petrie: He's kiddin' us.
- [Lyle shakes his head]
- Rob Petrie: He's not kidding.
- Rob Petrie: [mistaken for a prisoner] How can I make you understand that I'm not a... I got it!
- Rob Petrie: [indicating the inmate number on his shirt] L-look-look at that. Guard, look at that number. Look! Check me in the files. You won't find me there. That is an unlisted number!
- Buddy Sorrell: There's a real sweetheart of a guy. Does great imitations. He did Dillinger so good, they're holding him over for twenty years.
- Rob Petrie: As a memento of our little visit up here to Granville State Prison, we have a door prize for some lucky convict. We're gonna give him a door and let him out.
- Lyle Delp: [regarding Buddy's heart print underwear] Those are the craziest shorts I ever saw.
- Buddy Sorrell: They're a Mother's Day present.
- Lyle Delp: Mother's Day?
- Buddy Sorrell: Yeah. I got it for my mother but she wouldn't wear 'em.
- Lyle Delp: [backstage] Hey, listen, I better go out there and warm 'em up, okay?
- Sally Rogers: Yeah, I've seen their faces. You better use a blowtorch.
- Buddy Sorrell: Hey, you sure they like short, fat, cello players?
- Lyle Delp: They'll love you. You have nothing to be afraid of.
- Sally Rogers: They've never heard him play.
- Buddy Sorrell: You know how they play Russian Roulette in India? One of the cobras is hard of hearing.
- Buddy Sorrell: Hey, why don't you become a comedy writer?
- Lyle Delp: No, I - I - I can't write jokes
- Buddy Sorrell: What write? Steal 'em.
- Lyle Delp: I'd like you to meet two people who fingered me and got me in here. But, they're great. Let's really hear it for 'em, huh. Okay, really big, Rob and Laura Petri.
- Buddy Sorrell: A song you all love, "It's better to be on the rock pile than have the rock pile on you."