- Sally Rogers: It's in Spanish. You don't read Spanish.
- Buddy Sorrell: Right there it says "divorce". Divorce is a word I've checked out in every language.
- Rob Petrie: We'd like a room.
- Gonzales: Okay, you're in 135 and the señora's in 214.
- Laura Petrie: No, um, I'll be in 135.
- Gonzales: Please, no arguments, they're both nice rooms.
- Laura Petrie: Rob, I don't think he understands.
- Rob Petrie: No, I don't think you understand. We both wanted one room, together.
- Gonzales: Oh no, I tried that once and they broke all the furniture.
- Rob Petrie: Listen, we'd like to take a little stroll on your desert.
- Gonzales: You picked a perfect night. There's a full moon, and it's very... very, how do you say?
- Laura Petrie: Romantic?
- Gonzales: No, practical. You'll have enough light to see the snakes.
- Gonzales: The only reason people comes to El Diablo is to get a divorce.
- Rob Petrie: We're hardly ready for that. We're still on our honeymoon.
- Gonzales: Aw, that's nice. That's beautiful. For one time, my hotel will be filled with kissing and hugging instead of hitting and punching.
- Gonzales: Did you ever hear of El Gordo? The Fat Bandit? You see that bed?
- Rob Petrie: He slept there?
- Gonzales: No, he died there. He was a terrible man. Boy, were we happy.