- Laura Meehan: Rob, are you upset about this whole thing?
- Rob Petrie: [emphatically] No.
- Laura Meehan: Well, then how come those papers are pinned to my legs?
- Laura Meehan: Then you're not upset about tonight?
- Rob Petrie: No, honest, not a bit.
- Laura Meehan: Well, if-if you are - just, you know, a little bit - just remember that all the time I'm out with him I'll be thinking of you.
- Rob Petrie: Ah, that's sweet. And all the time you're out with him I'll be thinkin' of me, too.
- Rob Petrie: Well... uh... now... uh, the emcee is gonna kiss the... the... Bivouac Beauty.
- Heckler: Hey, they never did THAT before!
- Rob Petrie: Progress, buddy. Progress.
- Millie Crumberbacher: Laura, did he almost kiss you?
- Laura Meehan: Worse. I almost kissed HIM.
- Millie Crumberbacher: Ooo, can I have Rob?
- [Millie tries to help Laura decide between Clark and Rob through a point system]
- Laura Meehan: Clark wants to be a lawyer.
- Millie Crumberbacher: Ooo, a lawyer. That's very good. That's another ten points. And Rob wants to be a comedy writer - which no one knows how to be one, so he'll be struggling and starving and probably never make it - so we'll give him one point.
- Laura Meehan: Millie, you're pushing Clark.
- Millie Crumberbacher: I am not. Well, the score is twenty to eight in his favor, you know. I didn't make these numbers up!
- Laura Meehan: Yes, you did!
- [Rob mistakenly kisses Millie]
- Rob Petrie: Millie, what're you doin' here?
- Millie Crumberbacher: I forget. Ooo, I didn't give you enough points!
- Clark Rice: What's WITH that guy?
- Laura Meehan: I don't know! I don't know and I don't care! I never COULD figure him out. Sometimes he seems so... and then the other times he just doesn't. Once he even - and for no reason - and what was I to do. Did I ever tell you he broke my foot? Well, he did. He broke my foot. You see, Rob's the kind of a guy who... I mean, I always felt that if I ever, he'd be the last, because... Well, YOU! You're so... and... but I don't know WHY, Clark. I do, though. I really do. He's just so adora... adora...
- Clark Rice: Adorable?
- Laura Meehan: You see it, too, don't you?
- Sam Pomerantz: Look, pal, you're raffling her off, right?
- Rob Petrie: Yeah.
- Sam Pomerantz: Well, so, I might be the winner.
- Rob Petrie: Sam, you're my friend!
- Sam Pomerantz: Right, Rob, to the end - but if I win her, that's the end.
- Clark Rice: Uh, you know the, uh, fortune cookie tonight said a new person was coming into your life? Pay attention to him?
- Laura Meehan: Yeah, but you made me go through fifteen of 'em before we found one that said THAT.
- Rob Petrie: Oh, hi, Sam.
- Sam Pomerantz: What did I do?
- Rob Petrie: Nothin', nothin', uh... You're just not Laura, that's all.
- Sam Pomerantz: That's what everybody says.
- Rob Petrie: You've got exactly five minutes.
- Laura Meehan: Five minutes?
- Rob Petrie: That's right. The warden is on the wall right now talking to the convicts. Now if you're not back by the time the convicts grab the priest, you can forget about me.
- Clark Rice: Look, I don't wanna be used to spite someone else. That's what you're doing, isn't it?
- Laura Meehan: No, it isn't.
- Clark Rice: Then why the sniffles?
- Laura Meehan: It's the rain.
- Clark Rice: You sure it's not Petrie?
- Laura Meehan: Well, what's the difference? Rain, Rob, they're both big drips.
- Rob Petrie: The rules of the contest have been changed. The two armed guards will go along on the date.