- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: There's a bright side to havin' ducks around the house, too.
- Laura Petrie: There is?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, yeah. W-when... when they... when they grow up, we can have fresh duck eggs for breakfast every morning.
- Laura Petrie: From which one, Oliver or Stanley?
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: [looking through a box full of old toys] Hey, here's something for Ritchie: a bathtub toy with a plastic fish in it.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I think Ritchie's a little too old for plastic fish.
- Sally Rogers: [taking the toy] I'll take it.
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: I don't want to be personal, but aren't you old enough to bathe with real fish?
- Sally Rogers: It's not for me, it's for Mr. Henderson, my cat.
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Your cat eats plastic fish?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie, Sally Rogers: [in unison] It's a plastic cat.
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Ahh, every bone in my brain aches.
- Sally Rogers: Hey, you know what's good for that?
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: What?
- Sally Rogers: When you get hone, get a bucket of warm water and soak your head for twenty minutes.
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Thanks a lot - I'd drown.
- Sally Rogers: Do you wanna get rid of the headache or not?
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: [upon Mel entering] Hey, look who's here - Genie with the light brown scalp!
- [observing Mel's box of props]
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: NOW I know what a producer does - delivers the garbage.
- Miss Glasser: A duck is a duck.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: That's right. A dog's a dog.
- Miss Glasser: And a cat is a person.
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: [looking through a box full of old toys; pulling out a huge teddy bear] I'll take it for my wife. She can use it for a pin cushion.
- Sally Rogers: It's a pretty big pin cushion.
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: She got big pins.
- [Rob pretends to be making bird calls so Ritchie doesn't figure out he's hiding two baby ducks]
- Ritchie Petrie: You're a good actor, Daddy. Do it again.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, I'll cheep some more a... after dinner for ya.
- Ritchie Petrie: Aw, please?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Rich, you know Daddy doesn't like to cheep on an empty stomach.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: What are we gonna do with live baby ducks?
- Sally Rogers: No, what are *you* gonna do with live baby ducks? They can't come home with me unless they want to be cat food
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh yeah. How about you, Buddy?
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Oh, alright, I'll take 'em. My dog likes to eat between meals.