- Rob Petrie: [to Mel] When did you first, uh... first realize that, you know, you were... beginning to get bald?
- Buddy Sorrell: When a near-sighted ostrich jumped on his head and tried to hatch it.
- Rob Petrie: Honey, wake up a second.
- Laura Petrie: [half-asleep] Rob, the coffee's in the pot, the toast is on the table, and the eggs are in the oven.
- Rob Petrie: Honey, I don't care if the frost is on the pumpkin. I want you to wake up for just a second.
- [Alan has approved this week's script]
- Sally Rogers: Oh, good, good, then who's the surprise guest.
- Rob Petrie: Are you ready? Ricard Vincente.
- Sally Rogers: Oh, I love him!
- Buddy Sorrell: That's no surprise.
- Rob Petrie: That's right. Half the women in the country love him.
- Buddy Sorrell: [boasting] Well, I happen to know his secret.
- Sally Rogers: You do? Why don't you use it?
- Sally Rogers: [to Rob] Now, look, first of all, you're not going bald. And even if you were, a man doesn't become less attractive just because he's bald. Some men are MORE attractive.
- Mel Cooley: [entering] Rob...
- Buddy Sorrell: You just lost your argument.
- Rob Petrie: [waking Laura] Honey, I want to ask you something very important.
- Laura Petrie: Well, what's the matter?
- Rob Petrie: Would you marry Mel Cooley?
- Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob...
- [Rob fears going bald]
- Laura Petrie: Well, what do you want me to say, Rob? That I'll love you no matter what? That I'll... stick with you through thick or thin, so to speak?
- Laura Petrie: Rob, you are not going to put a head full of oil and vinegar on my good pillowcases.
- Rob Petrie: I wasn't planning to.
- Laura Petrie: Well, then where were you going to sleep, in the refrigerator?
- Sally Rogers: Well, if you use salad dressing, you can't expect to grow meatloaf.
- Laura Petrie: Now you'll have to sleep with your head in the refrigerator.
- Buddy Sorrell: [helping Sally wind up a ball of yarn] Who you knittin' this for, King Kong?
- Sally Rogers: I'm not knittin' anything.
- Buddy Sorrell: Well, what is that?
- Sally Rogers: It's a wool bowling ball. Can't stand noise.